Voices of the Dead
by YourRhineStoneEyes
Summary: As the Bringer of Death Toki has the curse of being able to hear the voices of the people he brings death upon, sadly he doesn't understand this or why it's happening to him. He just wants the voices to stop and for his friends to stop treating him like a stranger.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I have a theory that every person that Toki kills or causes the death of in one way or another basically he hears their voices and it started with the little girl in season one and goes all the way up to Magnus. I think that's why he drinks and does drugs and talks about killing himself, because he doesn't know what's going on or how to deal with it. So decided to sort of put my theory into a story, so test chapter I'll write more if anybody likes it.

'You killed me, your selfishness killed me.'

'You were never supposed to be born, you are a curse.'

'I should have just driven the knife through your fucking heart.'

Voices so many voices, too many to count, and by this point he was in his own way accustomed to them. Every voice was different, some of the voices were really nice and even forgiving towards him, but mostly they were angry. He didn't know why he was hearing them, were they even real?

He wasn't even sure he could respond to them, tell them to stop and just leave him alone. He was sorry, he was so very sorry for everything he caused them.

'You fucking asshole, you fucking smashed my skull and got away with it. Not a single fucking charge against your sorry ass.'

He wanted them to stop, why couldn't they just stop?

Toki took another long drink from the bottle of vodka he held tightly in his hand. He sat in the corner of his bedroom, his back pressed against the wall. He kept his free hand clutched to the side of his head, fingertips and chewed down fingernails digging roughly into his scalp. Ever since that little girl had died this had been happening to him, it started with her and at first he thought he was just going insane, maybe grief and regret were the reason he heard her screeching and accusing voice inside of his head. He had found drinking made it better or at least distracted him, when he was drunk he could drown out her voice. That had been fine, he found in time he could live with the regret of treating the girl like shit and he agreed with her; he had been a selfish prick. He could handle one voice, but when his father joined in after his death...That's when he lost a lot of control over his own mind.

There were times and even days where he didn't hear it, didn't hear them, but today wasn't one of those days. Today was one of those days where they were harassing him full force, pulling and clawing until his skull felt close to exploding.

He could only sit on the cold hard floor crying and whimpering, on occasion whispering for them to stop. He always wanted to tell somebody, he wanted to tell somebody so badly, but he knew how crazy it sounded and he still wasn't sure that he wasn't crazy. He thought he must be, he had to be crazy or at least his friends treated him that way. Ever since what happened with Magnus it was like nobody knew exactly how to treat him; Nathan sometimes seemed over protective almost scared to lose the younger man all over again, Pickles was close to the same way, and Skwisgaar and Murderface just treated him like some oddity they weren't sure was completely safe to be around. He hated that, he hated that they couldn't just go back to the way things were before. Well maybe not completely the way they were before, he didn't like how much they acted like they didn't need him back then.

'They don't need you now, you should have just listened to me. They don't care about you, you're just in the way like I was. They only came for you, because they were losing money' Magnus' voice hissed angrily at him from one of the many corners of his mind.

Sometimes in nightmares he could see them, dead and rotting corpses of people he had caused to die. They always grabbed at him and clawed at him like zombies in a horror film would do to a soon to be victim. The dreams ended with Toki waking up crying until he exhausted himself all over again.

Drinking helped; when he said that he helped he meant that it made it all a bit more tolerable. When he was drunk and when he was stoned he could still hear them, but the voices would be a lot quieter. They could break through though, they knew how vulnerable and stupid he could be when he was completely wasted and they loved taking full opportunity of that. They would get him into fights or get him to hurt himself intentionally or not, pain made them back away some. He always wondered what would happen if the just...

He took another long drink from the bottle that was getting too close to empty for his liking.

'I should have killed you, I should have worked alone. Not paired up with that bastard assassin. I wanted to make it hurt and make it slow.'

"Shut up, just leave me alone."

'I could have cut out your fucking eye, carved off your flesh; I could have kept you alive long enough to do all of that and more. You deserve shit, you're a filthy fucking dog. That's all you are. A fucking mutt that nobody wants, they don't fucking want you. He doesn't fucking want you.'

"I said shut up, just shut up!"

He threw the bottle as hard as he could, it hit against his bedroom door smashing. Toki started crying harder than he had been before; he honestly somehow preferred hearing his father's voice over Magnus' voice. He was thinking about that place again, about the awful things Magnus had said when he was alive. He wished the man was still alive, at least that way he couldn't be in his mind hurting him in a whole new way. He couldn't deal with this, he just wanted to be told he was crazy and he could be medicated and it would be okay. He could deal with that, could deal with his friends isolating him again, because they didn't know how to deal with him.

'They don't want to put up with you, you aren't like them.'

"What the hell is going on in here?"

Hearing a voice outside of his own head was new, he'd been in his room alone drinking for nearly two hours...Was it two hours or maybe it was longer, he didn't know anymore and wasn't entirely sure that it mattered at this point. He looked up pulling himself through the dark cloud filling up the space in his mind; Skwisgaar stood in the doorway looking down at the glass on the floor careful not to step on it on his way over to the younger frightened looking man. Toki didn't reply he just stared up at him, Skwisgaar stood there looking awkward and almost like he wanted an excuse to leave even though he'd just come in. This was how it worked ever since he'd gotten back home; maybe not from the get go. He didn't know what changed or what he did wrong. He vaguely remembered Skwisgaar holding onto him tightly when they had left the crumbling building and he fully remembered the Swedish musician sharing a bed with him that first night and still holding onto him like nothing in the world could pull him away. Now they were here and here was a very complicated place that frustrated Toki in a way he couldn't easily explain. It wasn't like they'd ever had a cut and dry relationship; half of the time Toki hated him, other times it seemed Skwisgaar wished he'd just disappear, but at the same time they were almost always together.

'He doesn't care about you, get that out of your head. He looks at you like you're a disgusting freak. He doesn't want to touch you and before he only fucked you out of pity.' Magnus taunted

"Just go away"

He wasn't sure if he was directing that towards Skwisgaar or Magnus or if it mattered. He just wanted to be alone, just sit there on the floor and wait for this to go away.

Toki figured and sort of hoped Skwisgaar would just save them both the trouble and the awkward silence and just leave his room, go tell the others how crazy Toki was acting now. Crazier than before, he was always a weird kid and Skwisgaar didn't like having to babysit him. That's what he told people, wasn't it true though?

The older man knelt down in front of him, Toki couldn't meet his eyes. He felt ashamed and disgusted and stupid, he felt worse than he normally did at any point in his life. He didn't fit in with them, he didn't fit in with his own family, and it made his stomach hurt. Why did they take him in in the first place, why did Skwisgaar treat him so well and then turn on him out of nowhere?

'He knows you're a better guitarist, he's always hated being second best. I knew how to keep him in his fucking place, you could do that too if you wanted to.'

Fingers touched his cheek and he flinched, his wide blue eyes met Skwisgaar's eyes.

"It's okay"

This time he didn't pull away when Skwisgaar went to touch his cheek again, he sat still and allowed the older man to touch his tear stained skin. He wanted to be able to see what was going on inside of his head, how normal it must be inside of there. He was probably thinking about how crazy Toki was, how they should have just left him to die and gotten a new rhythm guitarist. He sobbed again thinking about that.

"Why are you here?" Toki asked voice weak and strained.

"I got worried"

"Who told you to check on me?"

There was a pause, he looked guilty "Pickles"

"I knew you wouldn't come here, because you wanted to."

"I'm still worried about you, idiot."

His fingers ran through his hair, the feeling was soothing; he thought about all the times those long callused fingers had gone through his hair and gripped it and pulled it hard. He thought about the first night back at Mordhaus when Skwisgaar ran his shaking fingers through dirty brown hair, warm tears against his skin, and apologies being repeated over and over in Swedish. What had happened?

"You don't have to worry about me or say you do, whatever. Just go back to your sluts or something, I don't need you in here."

He tried to stand, but got off balance and fell back onto his ass. Skwisgaar helped him up this time leading him over to his bed.

"How much have you had to drink?"

"I don't remember, it's no big deal. I told you, you don't have to look after me. I know you don't want to."

Skwisgaar still looked completely lost for what to do, uncomfortable with a situation like this. Toki wondered if they could ever have their friendship back to the way it had been, it hadn't been extremely healthy or great, but it was better than this. One night of feeling loved by the blond haired man and then weeks of being avoided by him and stared at. He hated the way Skwisgaar looked at him anymore.

'Like you're some caged freak he's scared of.'

"Don't tell me what I want to do and don't want to."

"That's what you tell people though, you don't like having to babysit me. I'm just a fucking inconvenience to you. Why did you even come get me?"

"That's such a stupid question."

"No it isn't"

Skwisgaar sat down on the bed, he kept a distance between the two of them. There was always such a distance, he sort of wanted him to touch him again; he missed the warmth.

"Yeah it is, you know why we got you."

"Money or because you couldn't get a replacement?"

Skwisgaar looked hurt by the younger man's response.

"You're an asshole, you know better than that. We got you, because you're family."

It was easy to say that, but they always left him out and left him behind. They treated him like he was always a stranger even after knowing him for years now, he would never catch up with them and really be a part of whatever family they created with one another. He was just there and now he was just there, but it was so odd now. It was like they felt like they had to show they cared whether they did or not.

"Right that's why you ignore me and look at me like you're scared of me or something."

"I don't know how to deal with this okay, you act weird. You've always acted weird and after what happened I don't know what to do or say."

"Nothing, just leave me alone." Toki replied angrily.

He didn't need charity, he didn't need Skwisgaar doing this half ass caring. He rather have him straight up hate him than awkwardly pretend he cared and that he wanted him.

'Nobody wants you after the shit I did to you.'

Toki shuddered, more tears fell from his eyes, and Skwisgaar was looking at him with that same sort of confused fear. He moved over to where the younger musician sat with his back to his wall like a cornered animal, he pulled the other man onto his lap wrapping his arms around his trembling form. Toki buried his face against his chest and sobbed, fingers curling into the material of his black shirt.

"I want it to stop Skwis"

He couldn't be awake without remembering what Magnus did to him, remembering the way his parents tortured him, and without hearing the voices in his mind yelling for his attention. He couldn't sleep without being thrown into those dark and wretched places, without having the dead clawing at him dragging him into his own personal hell. He couldn't escape and he was so alone.

"I want things to be normal again, I want them to leave me alone."

Skwisgaar didn't know what he meant by 'them', he didn't want to ask. He was scared, he wasn't scared of his friend; he was scared of whatever was going on with him, because it was the same thing that had been going on for years now but seemingly it had grown worse.

The younger man found a hopeless comfort being held, his friend's fingers going through his hair and warm breath against his skin. This was the first time Skwisgaar had touched him since they had rescued him, he wondered how much of it was just a way to make Skwisgaar feel better about himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Shocking; he woke up alone in his bed, that was expected and after some years really normal. It didn't make it hurt any less. It used to not bother him when Skwisgaar would share a bed with him only to leave while Toki was sleeping, but after everything he'd been through he sort of had the dumbest hope that something would change. He hoped a lot of things would change, but nothing changed in the right kind of way. The only good news was that for the mean time there weren't any dead voices inside his head, he couldn't even remember his dreams or if he'd had any. He knew it wouldn't last forever or for the entire day, but he was going to enjoy the silence as much as he could. Of course without Magnus, his father, or any other pissed off soul to taunt him or torture him he only had his own thoughts to take that job now. It didn't help that when he was in the living room with the others Skwisgaar came in followed by four women and two men. Nobody paid any attention to this, it was normal after all, but Toki couldn't help but stare at him wondering if the blond haired musician was actually serious. He'd seemed caring the night before, but had gone off to go have sex with some random people. Skwisgaar met his eyes, he averted them quickly and at least was smart enough to look ashamed of himself. Toki got up and went to the kitchen; he made quick work of finding a bottle of vodka. It's not like it made anything better, not really; it just numbed his mind and his senses.

He wasn't sure why he expected anything from him; Skwisgaar was a whore, that's what he did. Apparently that was part of his purpose was to just impregnate any and every woman that he came across. Skwisgaar didn't owe him anything, but it felt like he did. It felt like he should apologize and beg and admit to how much of a dick he'd been for so many years. Toki knew it hadn't always been this way or the way it was before; he didn't understand it which made it a billion times worse. When he'd been sixteen he'd idolized him, he loved the attention the older man gave him, and even had a crush on him for the longest time. He'd put that far off to the side though once Skwisgaar started treating him like shit, insulting him, yelling at him, and nearly making him believe he couldn't play guitar. Making him believe he literally had no purpose in the band, they all took turns making him feel that way, but Skwisgaar was the worst about it. He hated it and part of him always hated him too, but in a way he didn't hate him. He hated he cared about him and still loved him, he hated that he could tell Skwisgaar anything and everything but rarely get the comfort that he needed. So he would drink, it seemed like that was how his band mates handled their problems. That seemed to change as well lately and Toki liked that, though he couldn't find a way to deal with his problems without alcohol. He couldn't find a way to handle the voices or what happened to him or what he had going on with Skwisgaar. He hated thinking about it and knowing it wouldn't just go away.

He hated waking up in an empty bed when the night before he had somebody there holding him and saying sweet things to him.

"Don't you think it's too early to be drinking, give me that."

Skwisgaar grabbed the bottle away from the rhythm guitarist before he could argue or keep it out of reach. He could only glare at him, Skwisgaar seemed completely un-phased by the dirty look his friend was giving him; by this point he was way too accustomed to the tantrums his friend could throw. It was early, he felt like shit, and he wasn't in the mood to spend half of his day holding Toki's hair back while he puked into the toilet.

"Fuck off Skwisgaar, it makes me feel better."

"No it makes you weird and loud and really fucking gross." He put the bottle away, Toki was watching him already planning on getting it again the second the other man left the room.

"So when did you find time last night to go fuck a ton of people?"

Skwisgaar leaned back against the kitchen counter, he had trouble meeting the younger man's eyes.

"I just, it's none of your business; what's it even fucking matter?"

"It matters because I thought you could be nice enough to stay with me for one night instead of being a selfish asshole." He yelled back feeling pissed and slightly dizzy from what alcohol he had gotten to drink before his friend had taken the bottle away from him.

Skwisgaar winced and looked around the room as if making sure nobody could hear what they were arguing about. Toki wanted to punch him just for that alone, what did it even fucking matter? He fucked every man and woman he saw, what did it matter?

'It matters, because the sluts he usually fucks are less embarrassing than you.'

Magnus, he really hadn't missed hearing his voice. He wanted one day to just be okay at least in that sense, no voices just the usual one telling him how stupid and pathetic he was.

"You were asleep I didn't think that it mattered, alright? It's not a big deal."

"It is to me, you treat me like I'm a one night stand, or like you don't want anything to do with me. I'm not even sure which it is anymore."

"Now you're just being stupid again, we've fucking talked about this. I do have other things to do, I don't have to spend all of my time babysitting you."

Toki got up and went over to the older man.

"You can't just be around me can you, when did you turn into such an asshole?"

"Just fuck off, go to your room and bitch like a little baby. I'm not putting up with you when you act like this." Skwisgaar shoved him out of the way so that he could leave the room.

Toki took the bottle out of the cabinet, he went to the living room where the rest of his band mates were. He didn't stay for too long though; the moment he went in they all stopped talking, he wondered if they'd been talking about him before he came in the room. It just felt awkward and strange, he felt like a stranger, again. He lasted maybe half an hour before he got fed up and went to his room to drink until he threw up or passed out, he didn't give a shit by this point. He considered stopping by Skwisgaar's room to call him out and maybe throw the bottle at his head. It seemed like such a good idea, yell at him and tell him everything he thought of him lately, and he hoped everybody would hear. Just he could barely walk or stand and the moment he landed on his bed he was pretty damned sure he wasn't going to be getting up anytime soon.

When he closed his eyes he was back at his home in Norway; back inside of that terrible room chained up on the wall. A fragile little kid with a blackened eye, split lip, and limbs coated in fresh wounds just crawling with infection. He'd cry and apologize mostly out of fear, less out of actually meaning it. He was scared, fuck he was a little kid; what kid wouldn't be scared in a situation like that? He'd never understood it, never understood his father or his hatred towards him. He would try to keep his eyes closed when his father would cut his shirt off of his fragile form and beat him with that whip. He would get smacked hard across the face for that, he had to keep his eyes open and realize why he was being punished. When he closed his eyes and pictured it his father wasn't alive, but a rotting corpse with missing eyes. He screamed and threatened about Hell, a place his parents were always so determined he would go to; they assumed sooner than later though. Even as a little boy he knew they wanted to kill him.

A hand shaking his shoulder woke him up, he sat up breathing hard; his wide blue eyes looking around his room expecting it to be any number of places hidden in his nightmares. A hand on the side of his neck, fingers brushing the hair at the nape of his neck drew his attention to the blond haired guitarist currently looking at him with concern.

When Toki was breathing normally again he smacked his hand away.

"Why are you in here?"

"I want to apologize"

The younger man raised an eyebrow, he wondered if he meant it.

'Of course he doesn't mean it you idiot, he's too far up his own ass to mean anything he says.'

Toki tried to ignore the dead bastard's comment.

"I mean it, I shouldn't be such an asshole."

"It doesn't matter, I'm crazy as fuck and you don't know how to deal with it."

Toki wasn't even sure how to deal with it, he couldn't come up with a way that wasn't entirely self destructive.

"You aren't crazy, don't say that about yourself."

The younger man laughed, there was something so funny and fucked up about Skwisgaar saying that. He'd heard his friends talk about him being psychotic behind his back, saw the way they looked at him and avoided him after he'd killed that guy, the way they treated him now. Skwisgaar always went on in interviews about how he thought Toki was a weird kid, totally off in the head and how it was basically an act of charity taking care of him. Too stupid and deranged to take care of himself, somehow it was like he didn't think Toki was smart enough to read said interviews or over hear his friends conversations.

"What?"

"I'm not stupid or slow or whatever you think I am. You tell everybody how weird and crazy I am and how it's like some terrible chore having to look after me. I guess I'm not making it any easier on you now, I'm all fucked up worse now."

"Toki come on you know I don't mean half the shit I say in those interviews."

"It doesn't matter, because you treat me like you don't know me or like you're just waiting for me to get over this."

"I don't expect you to get over it, you went through a lot."

"Like you'd fucking know, you don't know anything. You never ask, you never ask what he did to me or anything."

'I'm sure he'd love to know the things I did to you, he'll avoid you completely then.'

"Maybe I'm scared to know, maybe I think about it a lot and it freaks me the fuck out."

"This isn't about you though, it's about you; I need someone to talk to and I want it to be you."

The older man seemed so uncomfortable right now and he couldn't blame him. Skwisgaar didn't handle these things well, he didn't handle things like this well when it had to do with Toki. He'd nearly started crying when he found out all the God awful things he'd endured as a child, he'd cried for half an hour or longer when Toki had suggested they kill themselves. He never handled it well when it concerned the younger man and it never made any sense to either of them.

"Fine you want to talk about it? That was the worst fucking moment of my life when Magnus stabbed you. That was my worst fear come to life, I thought you were dead; I thought I was watching you die."

Skwisgaar wasn't looking at him, he couldn't; Toki moved so he was sitting closer to him.

"I spent a fucking week in my room crying, freaking out, and I couldn't stop thinking about it."

'Right until he started fucking whores and smoking meth.' Magnus chimed in

He knew his friends had spent a good year getting wasted and acting like he had never existed in the first place. He tried wrapping his mind around it, he knew if it had been any of them he would have wanted to find them whether they were dead or alive. He couldn't get how they left him to die, but here Skwisgaar was telling him how much it fucked him up to think Toki had been dead.

'He's lying, just wants you to pity him. They don't fucking care about you, nobody does.'

Toki wanted to yell for the dead man to shut up and just leave him alone, he had enough things in his head trying to keep him from believing the man sitting on his bed with him. He just wanted to have this one moment where he could lie to himself and pretend that Skwisgaar cared and maybe he had cried and mourned him and worried he'd been dead.

"Did you really?"

Skwisgaar looked at him like that was one of the dumbest things he'd ever asked.

"Yeah"

"Why do you keep avoiding me then if you missed me so much?"

Skwisgaar shrugged, "I don't really know, I guess I don't know what to do anymore."

"Just stop treating me like a stranger or whatever. I really do need you, I feel like I'm losing it."

"You aren't losing it"

'Go ahead and tell him that you hear voices in your head, I'm sure he'll change his mind.'

"I want to tell you a lot of stuff, I'm just scared to."

Even thinking about it he could feel the thick metal collar around his throat, rusted metal digging into his pale flesh. He touched his fingertips to his own neck just to make sure that the collar wasn't really there, it just felt like he was still chained up there.

"Tell me whatever you feel ready to tell me, you don't have to be scared."

He wanted to believe he could tell him everything, about everything Magnus had done to him mentally and physically, and tell him about the voices of dead souls in his head. He wanted to think that Skwisgaar would still want to look him in the eye and touch him and kiss him.

'Anybody who knows what I did to you wouldn't want to touch you.'

Magnus always sounded so pleased with himself when he said the right things to make the young man flinch and ready to cry or vomit. Skwisgaar noticed the distant and scared look in his eyes, he took hold of his hand. Toki didn't pull away when Skwisgaar kissed him; it was gentle and sweet, he felt himself relaxing and focusing on the full lips pressed against his.

"Come on let's go to my room, your room is so fucking small. I never get why you chose the smallest room here."

"I'm used to small spaces"

"I'd think you'd be sick of them"

Toki felt comfortable in them just the same as they terrified him. He did like Skwisgaar's room even though it was way too vacant. He was happy to go with him, he lay down on the bed, the older man leaned down over him kissing him smirking against his lips.

'You don't mean anything to him, just pity. He'd rather be fucking a groupie than touching you.'

He tried ignoring it, he thought about the first time he'd heard his father's angered and demanding voice once when him and Skwisgaar had been kissing. It had scared the hell of him hearing his father's voice in his head yelling at him about the sin he was committing and how disgusting he was, he couldn't even remember the excuse he'd given Skwisgaar for why he had to leave. He just remembered locking himself in his own room and trying to chase away the sound of his father and his threats of violence, even in death the man was more than willing to threaten to beat his son. Now he just had Magnus' voice to worry about, his voice was so loud and accusing; almost like he hadn't tortured Toki enough when he'd been alive. He blamed him for his death, blamed him for so many things. The young man wanted to think it was all a trick of his own mind, he'd lost more of his sanity from being locked up in that horrible place for so long.

"You okay?"

"Fine, really I'm okay don't worry." The younger man replied

Skwisgaar raised an eyebrow, he didn't believe him, but he knew better than to bug him for answers.

He retrieved his guitar from the other side of his room, he sat down on the edge of the bed and played while his friend watched him. Like they used to do back when things seemed simpler and Skwisgaar wasn't afraid to touch to his friend like touching him could break him. Back when Toki talked more and was annoying, but Skwisgaar secretly enjoyed him when he was like that. At least right now they got a bit of peace and fake normality.


	3. Chapter 3

Toki sat perched on the foot of Skwisgaar's bed; for whatever reason the lead guitarist wasn't in his usual whore mode the past two days. He seemed to want to spend time with the younger man, Toki wanted to tell him that he didn't have to do this, put up with him, or pretend he wanted to be around him. He would say that, but being alone was scary and he craved the blond haired man's attention. Even if it was out of some form of guilt, just Skwisgaar making himself feel better...Was that Toki's thought or Magnus'? God he couldn't even fucking tell the difference anymore.

He looked back at Skwisgaar who sat in the center of the bed playing his guitar, head lowered and blond hair concealing most of his face and its sharp and slightly feminine features. Toki crawled over to the older man settling himself behind him, he wrapped his arms loosely around his waist and rested his chin on his left shoulder. He caught a glimpse of Skwisgaar smirking, he nuzzled against the side of his neck kissing and giving a small nip to the skin. He still hadn't told him everything he wanted to, they had known each other for years now and there was so much he didn't know. Most things Toki kept to himself he kept out of fear or kept to himself, because he didn't see the importance. He thought back to when Skwisgaar found out about how he'd been abused as a child, he'd been ready to cry; Toki hadn't understood it. That was normal to him, the way he'd been brought up was normal and honestly he'd spent so many years thinking it was his fault his parents had hurt him so severely. He had been bad, but as an adult he learned differently; it was still difficult to accept he hadn't done anything wrong to deserve what his father did to him. It took a night of talking to Skwisgaar alone in his room and having the older man hold him and tell him he didn't deserve it to start realizing just how in the wrong his father had been for all those years. Though the voice of the deceased old man disagreed completely.

The list of things he didn't want to share was longer now; Skwisgaar was better at handling things. He could actually sit and listen to his friend talk about his problems and his fears and his tragic past. He just would get emotional over it, it was sort of funny in such a sad fucking way just how upset Skwisgaar could get over him. He didn't know how somebody who spent most of his life seemingly bored and irritated could turn emotional so quickly. As much as they fought Skwisgaar was always so quick to care about him. It was odd; why couldn't he tell him anything then?

Skwisgaar stopped his guitar playing finding more interest in the sharp teeth biting at his neck and the hand firmly pressed against his lower stomach. He sat the guitar down on the bed and turned around to face his younger friend, Toki grinned up at him; Skwisgaar kissed him gently pushing the other man down onto the bed. He settled himself on his lap, long talented fingers rubbing up under the hem of his shirt and dancing over still freshly scarred skin. Toki tangled his fingers in Skwisgaar's hair, his hips lifted up off of the bed something about the scars on his body was sensitive in a way he found that he liked.

It was odd thinking there was a chance this could have never happened again. He used to fantasize about this type of thing as much as possible just to get through the hell Magnus had thrown him into.

'You weren't always thinking about him when you were with me.' The unwelcome voice echoed through his brain.

Toki tried to block the voice, tried to focus on Skwisgaar touching him. He put as much of his focus as he could on the warm lips on his skin lighting it on fire in the best way imaginable, calming and soothing unlike the flame of the lighter that Magnus would often hold against his skin until it singed. Skwisgaar's thumb brushed over one of the circular burn marks on the younger man's hip, it made him feel sick in some respect to have somebody so beautiful and sometimes even caring touching him like this. Touching places that were so marred and ugly and disgusting.

'The only way he could fuck you is if all the lights were off.'

When Skwisgaar began pushing his shirt up he felt his muscles tense, the older man noticed and pulled away sitting back on his knees.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, no I'm, I'm okay. Just um...I don't think we should do that."

He could see the flicker of disappointment in the older man's eyes, but he didn't say anything. He moved off of the younger man.

"What did he do to you?" Skwisgaar asked breaking the silence in the room.

Toki thought over the list of things, the horrible things somebody he had trusted with his life had done with him. Being stabbed wasn't even the worst thing on the damned list.

"Who?"

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes, "Don't play stupid, you know who I mean."

"A lot of stuff" He responded voice small, nervous.

He had trouble meeting his friend's eyes, he felt ashamed and he wasn't sure why. He was the weird one, he didn't want to isolate himself more than he already was.

"You have new scars, can I see them?"

'Go ahead show him, be a good fucking laugh for me. He can mother you and pretend he cares then think about how disgusting your body looks when you aren't around.'

Toki hesitated, fingers playing with the hem of his shirt; he kept his eyes closed when and after he removed it. He held his shirt in his hands feeling nervous, Skwisgaar placed a hand against his side where the knife wound was; he felt himself flinch away at the touch and the older man's hand pull away like he'd touched something extremely hot. Toki opened his eyes, the hurt look on his friend's face made him feel guilty. Skwisgaar wouldn't hurt him, not like that; why did he have to flinch?

"It hurt?"

"No it's...Sorry, I didn't mean to. It's fine you can touch them."

Gentle and careful fingers traced over the long scar then moved to circular burns along his hip bones. Lightened scars from cuts on his lower stomach and a slightly more permanent one on his chest over his heart. Skwisgaar could still make out the marks from a collar, he knew without looking that every part of his body was scarred and it hurt like hell to think about it. It was their fault this happened to him, they should have just gone after him sooner. He hated himself for it, hated the barrier it put between him and his friend.


	4. Chapter 4

Not thinking about Magnus was very hard. If he wasn't cursed with the ability to hear the voices of the dead then possibly the dead man wouldn't be on his mind at such a constant rate. He couldn't imagine that though, Magnus had been his biggest mistake he'd ever made. It was hard to forget somebody like that, to forget the year of his life he had spent chained up in a dungeon like room all because of some crazed bastard he trusted with his life. He had been so dumbly desperate just for attention, for some ounce of affection. Nobody cared, nobody showed that they cared; they ignored him and when they weren't ignoring him they were verbally abusing him. So what was he supposed to do when somebody came along and at least on the surface seemed to care about him. Seemed to care about his well being, how he was feeling, and what he was going through. Near the end there even the affection Skwisgaar had been showing him suddenly faltered back into old patterns of insults and something that appeared to be dislike bordering on hate. His new family was abandoning him like his birth family had and he couldn't handle it. Even at his obvious worst they didn't seem to notice anymore. At least in the past when he would binge drink, do every drug he could get his hands on at least then they had to notice. They had to worry even if they didn't admit it, but he could tell. Near the end it wasn't like that though; nobody said a thing when he'd come back to Mordhaus late at night looking like he'd gotten the shit beaten out of him, normally because he had. They didn't say a word about the drugs in his room or the fact they couldn't really think of the last time they had seen him sober. Skwisgaar had sex with him less often and when they did it felt different; so it eventually stopped. Toki couldn't stand it, when he met Magnus somebody cared or seemed to. It was in all the wrong ways, but he was drugged up and drunk. He'd take anything he could get; he believed every lie the old bastard fed to him. Hung onto his every word and his every touch, because he needed somebody. He needed somebody to listen to him and to make him feel like he was needed for once in his life. Not the lie of being needed. That's what made being betrayed hurt a million times worse, it made him realize just how stupid he really was. It made him realize how stupid he was to think that Magnus might change his mind and let them go, that his band mates would come for them within weeks maybe a few months at the most, but Magnus didn't change his mind until the last second and his friends didn't come until a little over a year had passed and the world had turned on them.

'Either way you're stuck with me forever or until you get smart and just fucking end it.'

Had anything really changed since he had gotten back home?

'No if anything they think you're more of a freak than they did before.'

Skwisgaar paid attention to him now, maybe he'd just been going through something at the time. He hadn't meant to push the rhythm guitarist away like that, if Toki had actually tried to talk to him then he would have been there.

'He's out for himself, he's a less physical version of me.'

"He isn't like you, just leave me alone."

'Shouldn't talk to yourself so much, everybody thinks you're fucking crazy anyway. I bet Skwisgaar is off fucking about ten or so groupies right now while you're all alone having a little psychotic break.'

His tone was always mocking, sometimes it had this disgusting melody to it when he was teasing him. Why had he let him in, why had he trusted him, or loved him?

He could handle the others, but Magnus liked to push them to the side; they were nothing but static in his brain. He could make out their words; he could make out them threatening to tear him to shreds, but what they had to say was nothing compared to Magnus. His father he noted was oddly quiet in recent days and something about that made his stomach churn.

'You do have a high body count, I wonder if you're as corrupted as me. Just as insane.'

He wasn't insane, he knew that he wasn't insane.

He didn't know what he was, but he wasn't insane; he wasn't some outcast freak or a demon. He was just wrong, there was something very wrong with him; there had always been something wrong with him.

Toki noticed Magnus' voice had faded away into the sea of static along with all of the other damned souls taking purchase over his mind; good he was done for the day. Toki resumed his drinking feeling disappointed that the bottle was nearly empty; he looked up at the large TV and didn't even really remember turning it on or maybe it had been on when he'd come into the living room. Nobody else was there and he was grateful, they didn't always come around him. Sometimes they would; they would show chore like pity or half assed interests. Pickles tried the most, he gave him a lot of credit for that; the drummer was a very kind guy, but just like the rest of their band he wasn't sure how to handle this. Toki wanted to hate them and blame them, Magnus told him that he should, but he couldn't. He was still so fucking tired from just everything. Being around a lot of people made him uncomfortable and nervous, even if it was just his band mates.

He closed his eyes and fell into the darkness of his mind; it was dark a lot lately. He couldn't easily conjure up the happy thoughts that got him through bad situation to bad situation. He missed being able to do that. Now when he closed his eyes he went from horrid memory to horrid memory. This time he remembered the people at his father's church; remembered how they would look at him like he was disgusting. They looked at him like he was something either to hate or to fear, he never understood why.

From time to time he'd hear their whispers, always when his father and mother were nowhere near by. He wasn't the only person in their town who feared the old man.

They would speak of how he was the spawn of a demon, there was no way they created a child at their age. They said he gave off an evil aura, there were rumors he was stolen from another family; a family of Devil worshipers. He heard once or twice that his father worked him so hard physically because he hoped Toki would just drop dead. Nobody even himself could understand how such a small frail child could have such physical strength and endure the Hell put upon his body.

He wondered if that was all a part of his curse. He could suffer suffer at the hands of others, but he couldn't just die. He could drink and do drugs, he could go through eight to ten bottles of vodka in a day, he could spend a week strung out on heroin and it wouldn't fucking kill him. His father could whip him, force him to sleep in a hole wearing nothing but bare thread shorts. Magnus could keep him on a collar and kick him and cut him and starve him. He couldn't and wouldn't die and something about that frustrated him more than anything. He felt warm tears running down his cheeks, it was the most warmth he'd felt in a day or two. He didn't even bother to get up and go to his own room to sleep; he lay down on his side on the large couch pulling his legs up against himself. He sobbed quietly to himself in the large room, the whimpers echoing off of stone walls.


	5. Chapter 5

"Stupid idiot passing out drunk on the couch, make me carry him to his room." Skwisgaar complained to himself as he picked the sleeping rhythm guitarist up off of the couch holding him bridal style.

He silently thanked Odin that nobody else seemed to be home to see him carrying around the younger man.

Toki was completely out of it, he didn't notice Skwisgaar when he'd been nudging his side with the toe of his boot, when he'd asked him to wake up, or when he picked him up. He merely buried his face against Skwisgaar's chest giving a pathetic of whimper of pain at the hang over taking him over. Skwisgaar tried to keep his complaints to a minimum; his friend was going through some psychological hell and they weren't fucking helping things much. He tried to not think about how this was a lot like when they had rescued him from Magnus, when they had exited the building Toki had collapsed completely; Skwisgaar had to pick him up and carry him the rest of the way. This definitely wasn't then, because back then Toki had been so thin that he barely weighed a thing; while now his weight and muscle were returning making it mildly difficult for the lead guitarist to support his weight. He was more than relieved when he reached the younger man's room, thankfully the door was open; he dropped the still sleeping man down onto the bed. Skwisgaar stood there watching him not sure if he should stay or he should go back to his own room, back to his crack pipe and the five women and three men who were back there waiting for him to get back. He saw the tear streaks on Toki's cheeks, how greasy his brown hair was like he hadn't showered for the past three or more days. He had the urge to stay with him, hold him, and take care of him.

"I'm sorry" He whispered, he turned and left closing the door quietly behind him.

Toki woke up about half an hour later; he hardly remembered a thing, but he was positive that he had been sleeping on the couch. He figured a Klokateer put him in his bed, he couldn't think of anybody else unless he had woken up long enough to drag himself back here.

The pain in his head drew more pained sounds from him, it took him under a minute to find a prescription bottle. Among the pills his therapist had given him for his depression, bipolar disorder, and to cope with his nightmares and with his post traumatic stress disorder he had pills that weren't his. Pills he'd stolen from Pickles room when the drummer had told him he didn't need to be taking pills that he didn't need. His band mates weren't fond of him doing a lot of the drugs that they would do; though after awhile they stopped paying attention which meant they stopped caring. Recently they were back on watching him, but he stashed the drugs in places he knew they wouldn't bother to look. It was mostly pills, he liked the colors and guessing which ones would make him feel what. At least he wasn't high on meth like Skwisgaar, he hated the stuff. He hated the way it made his friend act; it just seemed to make him more self absorbed, it made him care less, and disassociate more than normal. Toki knew without going and checking that Skwisgaar was in his room getting stoned off of his ass, doing everything he could to ignore his problems and the problems between him and Toki. It seemed to be a running theme.

The static of dead souls in his mind made the headache all the more worse. He could make out their voices in little pieces. The sound was similar to listening to a radio station with bad reception; you could make out sounds here and there, but mostly it was garbled white noise and it grated on your nerves quickly. Occasionally there were screams, he didn't like the screams; he felt right now the screaming was to spite him and his hung over state. After he put the stash of pills away he returned to his bed collapsing onto the mattress. He knew he needed a shower, he needed to change into clean clothes or at least get out of the dirty ones; he needed to eat, because it had been a couple of days since he'd done that. He needed to do a lot of things, he needed to stop going from drinking in the kitchen to drinking in the living room to throwing up in the bathroom then somehow ending up on his bed. He needed to stop drinking, he needed to learn to control the voices in his head or tell his friends about it. Tell them so that they could think that he was more bat shit crazy than usual. Nathan might understand, but he didn't like talking about things that came close to personal. It made him uncomfortable, he honestly didn't know how to handle it. He thought maybe Skwisgaar, but the lead guitarist wouldn't understand it or he'd dismiss it. He was probably too stoned to hear a word Toki would say to him.

He wished he'd just make up his fucking mind. He couldn't keep doing this; going from being there for him to avoiding him. Toki didn't know what was going on there, but he never asked because he doubted he'd be given a response.

The still there pain in his head made him curl up again, he was scared of what sleep could bring, but being awake wasn't that much better.


	6. Chapter 6

No, don't think about him.

He tried to focus on the moment, on the present, and reality; tried to leave behind the static roaring around his brain. Skwisgaar kissed him pulling him back to this, back to the present reality and away from the static filled sea of his mind. He dug his fingertips against the older man's scalp, he loved his hair he used to envy his hair when he'd been a teenager; he used to also want to run his fingers through it. When Toki thought about it he'd almost always had deep conflicting feelings for the blond haired guitar God. He didn't understand why despite his pounding heart, the sharp intake of breath when Skwisgaar's hand rubbed at his erection through his pants that he couldn't just let himself relax fully. He knew that Skwisgaar noticed, but he didn't say anything or ask questions. He wanted, no he needed to focus on this and keep Magnus out of his mind. Even without the dead musician's voice grating away at his sanity he was still there in his memories. When Skwisgaar kissed him he thought back to Magnus and how rough he always kissed and how hard he'd bite his lip, when Skwisgaar ran his hands up under his shirt his fingers gently caressing scarred flesh he remembered the way Magnus would roughly grab him and how every touch was nearly violent. He couldn't get him out of his mind; he wanted to get him out, he just wanted his fucking life back. It hadn't been normal and it hadn't been exactly healthy and whatever he had with the lead guitarist wasn't anywhere near normal and maybe not even healthy, but it was better than whatever desperate and scared relationship he'd allowed himself to have with Magnus.

He couldn't do this.

Toki placed a hand against the other man's chest and pushed him off of him. Skwisgaar sat back on the bed looking at his partner confused, maybe even a bit worried.

"What's wrong?"

"I just don't think we should do that, I can't."

He wanted to, he really wanted to; maybe if they could have sex just once he could start putting it behind him. He knew that was dumb, it wouldn't work that way; he had a hard time meeting the other man's eyes. Toki knew he was worried about him, he knew he wasn't sure how to show it or tell him, but he could tell.

Skwisgaar touched his cheek, his touch was gentle; calloused fingers lightly brushing against his skin.

"Toki you can't keep this stuff in, it's starting to freak me out."

Shame; he felt ashamed. Why did he do it again?

He knew that Skwisgaar wasn't involved with him, he didn't love him. Magnus had been there when Skwisgaar hadn't been, he'd told Toki anything he'd ever wanted to hear. He felt disgusted with himself now when he thought back on it, on all of it and every other thing in his life. The more he thought about the things he'd done and the ways he'd sold out his own fucking body and soul he found it harder and harder to be this close to his friend. The feeling of Skwisgaar touching him made his stomach hurt, Toki couldn't deal with this. He couldn't deal with the times there were mocking and angry voices sending him into states of fear and panic, he couldn't stand his memories doing the same.

'What difference does it make you're just another filthy whore anyway.'

Skwisgaar placed two fingers beneath Toki's chin gently lifting his head up in an attempt to get his friend to look him in the eye. He still kept his gaze averted; his wide blue eyes looked tired and scared.

"Tokis please say something, I'm worried about you."

The younger man smiled sadly; he worried about him a lot or maybe it was just something he said a lot. Toki didn't feel worthy enough to have Skwisgaar touching him, the gentle way he brushed his thumb against his cheek; the way he touched him like he was scared to break him. It all made him want to cry.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this for Skwisgaar." he spoke honestly, voice small and tired.

He met his eyes long enough for the older musician to see the desperate sadness in his eyes and for Toki to see the fear of what those words meant in Skwisgaar's eyes. He knew how he felt about that, he knew how scared Skwisgaar got when he talked about killing himself. When the Swede wrapped his arms around him holding him in a tight embrace he allowed it, he welcomed it. He just wished it could do something for the aching in his chest and his mind. Toki pressed his face against Skwisgaar's chest, he could feel his pounding heart; he knew how scared he was. Nobody ever really believed Toki was the type of person who would take his own life, nobody took it seriously or even paid attention. Skwisgaar always did though; it sent him into mini states of panic and fear. He would chastise him, panic, cry, and hold him until the rhythm guitarist promised he wouldn't do anything drastic like that. Toki didn't feel like promising this time.

'You're finally getting smart.'

Skwisgaar was whispering to him, his words were in Swedish and with his face buried against Toki's shoulder it was nearly impossible to make out what he was saying. Toki had heard it before, he was too tired to listen. He felt bad he couldn't do it, couldn't lie and tell him he wouldn't really hurt himself. Lately he wondered just how much it would hurt Skwisgaar to walk in and find him like that, just thinking about it always made him feel sick. He felt the urge to lock himself away in the confines of his own rather small room and drink until he blacked out, but he knew he would be stuck here for awhile at least until he could gather himself enough to make Skwisgaar believe he wouldn't really hurt himself.

Skwisgaar pulled himself away from his friend enough that he could look at him, he leaned his forehead against Toki's. The far gone look in his normally life filled eyes frightened him, just something else to add to his fear.

"Please don't leave me again" He whispered voice shaky.

Toki would have loved to tell him otherwise, he would have loved to tell him he was being dumb again. He'd love to just ignore the pain in Skwisgaar's eyes, he wondered how people just disassociated from feeling. He envied the ones able to do that right now.

He pulled away from his friend's embrace, he couldn't handle this; the large room felt small and breathing was difficult. He got up from the bed and left, he could feel Skwisgaar's eyes on him and knew how helpless and scared he had to look right now. He knew that feeling far too well.

'Just get it over with so he can stop worrying, he'll realize you never were worth worrying over'

Magnus' voice had the most haunting and almost welcoming sound to it; the lack of sleep made it sound sweeter. Made the idea of death seem a million times better.

When he was back in his own room he began drinking again, he knew Skwisgaar wouldn't approve but he wasn't there so it didn't matter. He didn't understand what Toki was going through, because he kept him at arms length; he was scared to let somebody in that intimately. He knew that his friend wouldn't like what he would find inside if he let him in.

He knew it was pathetic to sit in a chair in his room drinking alone while doing his best to ignore the voices in his head. Every one screaming for him to die, he wondered what would happen to the souls trapped inside of him if he did die. Would they be free, was he keeping them from actually moving on? Why, how could he even help it? He didn't mean it...He knew, he knew so many things; his parents raised him believing he was a monster. They told him of what he was and made him too scared to venture away from his home until he was a teenager. When he finally left and realized everybody he touched wouldn't die, when he met other teenagers he thought just maybe he was okay, but he wasn't. The souls told him that now, his father amongst the many. It bothered him to no end; the vodka made their voices stronger, but it made it harder for him to pay as much mind as he would when sober. At some point he must have passed out, but he didn't remember it.

He could see himself sitting on the floor with a gun in his hand, the barrel in his mouth and he could see Magnus kneeling next to him with his hand grasping his shoulder. He was whispering to him; Toki didn't want to see this. Magnus caught him watching and smirked, Toki watched as his other self pulled the trigger; blood sprayed across the wall behind him and his body went limp. It took maybe five minutes for the door to bang open and for Skwisgaar to come into the room.

He just stood there staring at his friend's lifeless body; he couldn't see Magnus though. The old lead guitarist stood there with his arms folded across his chest and laughed at the anguished expression the Swedish man wore on his face. The silence outside of Magnus cackling was so deafening and surreal; it wasn't real, this was just another sick series of images that weren't real.

Skwisgaar went over to the younger man's corpse, he dropped down onto his knees. He grabbed hold of his shoulders shaking and whispering his name then saying it and finally yelling it. He knew he was dead, it was obvious he was dead, but that didn't stop him from screaming for him to wake up and stop playing around; it wasn't funny anymore, he was sorry. Toki wanted to hold him, wanted to tell him it wasn't real.

"He'll get over it, he's just in shock; just like the first time he thought you were dead. He'll get stoned, forget your face and your name and within a month you never existed." Magnus stated looking away from the tragic scene long enough to see just how pale and horrified Toki was by having to be witness to this.

"Come on kid it's easy; trust me shooting yourself doesn't hurt all that long."

Toki wanted to ignore him, he wanted to ignore everything about this. He felt sick to his stomach when Magnus was closer to him, when his hands were on him. He tried to pull away from the dead musician, but he grabbed a fist full of his hair giving a hard painful tug like he had countless times back when he'd been alive.

"We're done when I say we are."

He remembered every time Magnus had told him that and it made him feel even sicker than he already was. He couldn't do this, he couldn't live like this anymore. The scene cut to black when he started sobbing; he woke up shaking.

The scene was still fresh in his mind; he wanted it to go away.

'You know how to make that happen. Just fucking do it already, stop being a pussy about this. If you don't man up and do it then maybe I'll play with you in a different way next time you pass out. Just like old times.'

He used to have two guns, but they had been taken away years ago due to his habit of shooting at things and occasionally people when he had too much to drink. No he wasn't going to do it, he wasn't going to listen to Magnus.

'What good are you really doing here, nobody wants you. Skwisgaar is just waiting for you to put out and if you tell him about what I did to you and the things men did to you before me then he won't even want to fuck you.'

He had pills, he had a lot of pills; a collection any junkie would fucking envy.

'I don't really care how you do it, but I do want to be here long enough to see the look on that fucker's face when he finds you. He better be the one who finds you.'

Skwisgaar would be fine without him; he was fine before wasn't he? According to the news he had been doing fucking great. He'd been partying with the rest of the band, they avoided saying his name and pretended he'd never existed to begin with. They had practically raised him, but they were willing to throw him away like that. It hurt that Skwisgaar was the most willing to do that. It hurt that the one person he had a deep impossible to define bond with could throw him away like he meant nothing.

'Get used to it, stop whining so much. It's so much easier if you just end it now, your suffering will end and he won't have to play babysitter anymore. He can finally have a life again. You know he regrets putting you in the band, he only wants you around to feel better about himself.'

Even if Skwisgaar by some chance loved him what did it matter? Toki wanted to tell him, he wanted to tell him about the things he'd done with Magnus and the things he'd allowed Magnus to do to him. He wanted to confess to him that some of his scars were from things he'd willingly let that fucker do to him, because he was in need of feeling something no matter how fake it was. There was no way Skwisgaar could want him anymore after that; he wasn't sure he could live his life with his friend who he loved desperately treating him like a stranger. He couldn't handle Skwisgaar not looking at him like he used to.

He was just getting so tired and fed up and he couldn't stop crying and the very thought of moving just wasn't working out for him. He was frozen in place just staring at nothing while his body trembled and he let out weak pathetic sobs. He didn't know what do to anymore, he felt like he was in the punishment hole all over again; he was alone and nobody knew where he was or how to reach him. Nobody wanted to reach him, because then they would see how cut up he was and how scared and damaged he was. Nobody wanted to deal with that. Nobody wanted to deal with him.

'Do it, stop wasting my time.'

He felt a hot sting of pain in his right arm, it felt like a cut followed by another. He couldn't be bothered to look down, his body felt numb minus the tears running down his cheeks and the hot stinging in his arm.

"Toki!"

Skwisgaar, that was Skwisgaar and he sounded scared. He didn't understand why; he couldn't bring himself to look towards him, but he felt it when the older musician grabbed onto his left wrist gripping hard enough for it to hurt. What was he doing?

He couldn't keep his mind right, it kept going back to other places. Everything was static and dark rooms with cold floors, cuffs on his wrists and heavy metal collars around his throat. Everything was starvation and pain, fear and being broken down to the point he was nothing more than a dog willing to do any trick just for an ounce of kindness.

Skwisgaar was talking again, he could feel his warm breath against his face, he had to be in front of him but he couldn't get himself to see him. He faintly felt the older man's hand on the back of his neck his fingers were digging into his skin in a way that could possibly bruise.

"Damn it Toki why did you do this, come on snap out of it."

Do what, what did he do now? His arm still hurt, something felt warm on it and he wasn't sure what it was. He was pretty sure that Skwisgaar was still holding onto his left wrist but his grip seemed less tight this time.

"Please come back to me, I need you with me. Please come back."

He hated when Skwisgaar was scared, he wasn't supposed to be scared.

He only snapped out of it when the static sound of roaring souls faded into nothing. It was the most silence he'd heard in the longest time. He took a deep gasping breath feeling like he'd just been saved from drowning. His eyes widened in shock, pain shot through his right arm and he lashed out at the man kneeling in front of him. He knocked Skwisgaar back onto the floor, but the older man managed to keep from being punched.

"Toki it's okay, it's me; calm down." He whispered his voice gentle, he held the younger man waiting for him to relax.

Toki pulled away from him, but Skwisgaar still held onto him. He looked down at his throbbing right arm to see it scattered with still bleeding cuts; nothing serious not even enough for stitches. He looked back up at the blond haired man confused.

"Do you remember doing that?" Skwisgaar asked calmly

He learned quickly that getting obviously upset didn't help the situation. He'd known Toki since he was a jumpy teenager who apologized too much and couldn't understand that he wouldn't be beaten for getting something wrong. He knew after years of practice how to keep him calm or to calm him down.

The younger musician slowly shook his head, he tried to speak but it was hard. He remembered thinking about killing himself, he remembered his dream. It hit him all over again and he started crying, he collapsed against the older man.

"I want to die Skwisgaar I can't do this anymore"

"Toki don't say things like that."

Toki pulled away glaring up at him, "Why not, why can't I say it? I mean it this time Skwisgaar. I can't do this, I can't handle hearing him in my head. I can't...I can't...I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really fucking scared and I can't fix this. I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to do. I just want to kill myself."

"Toki stop it, you aren't going anywhere. I can't lose you again"

He kept one hand on the back of Toki's neck and the other holding onto his injured right arm.

"You wouldn't want me anyway." He whispered, he felt an overwhelming familiar comfort with Skwisgaar touching him gently and with care. He didn't deserve it.

"I'm going to get something to clean up your arm, will you be okay alone?"

He nodded slowly. He wasn't sure he could really get himself to move again. He remained on the floor, he moved enough so that he had his back to the wall. He barely acknowledged Skwisgaar when he returned. The older man held his right wrist as he cleaned the cuts that had thankfully stopped bleeding minutes ago. The alcohol burned, but he barely flinched; he had felt way worse pain. He looked up at Skwisgaar, the older man had his head lowered, hair falling over his face as he concentrated on the task at hand. He just felt like apologizing to him repeatedly; his mind went back to how wrecked Skwisgaar had been in that dream. Even right now he could see he was shaken up though now he was trying to hide it.

When he finished cleaning his friend's cuts, he helped him up onto his bed. Skwisgaar sat with his back against the wall and Toki settled himself on his lap, he nestled himself against the older man.

"What did you mean that I wouldn't want you anyway?"

Toki closed his eyes and shook his head; he felt tired, more than tired.

"I'm disgusting"

"Why would you say that about yourself, you aren't disgusting."

There was so much that he didn't know and thinking about it made him want to cry all over again. He was sick of crying.

"Can we please not talk right now. I'm really tired."

"Sure, Jag bryr mig inte om vad du säger, jag älskar dig fortfarande. "

Toki smiled, it was nice to hear even though he knew it was a lie.

Jag bryr mig inte om vad du säger, jag älskar dig fortfarande. -

I don't care what you say, I still love you.


	7. Chapter 7

Skwisgaar held onto him tightly, his arms were wrapped around his waist protectively. Toki could still feel a dull throbbing pain in his arm from where he had sliced into, he still did not remember hurting himself that way. He did remember the fake images of his own death and Skwisgaar crying over his lifeless form. Toki thought about the older man telling him he loved him, he'd never told him that before; not that Toki could remember. It felt like pieces of his mind were hidden away from himself, there was too much going on for him to keep track of the real and the things he imagined or hallucinated. This was real though, the firm body against him, warm breath against the top of his head, and the sound of a beating heart. This was very real and it was safe as well as familiar, but he wasn't sure he wanted to believe Skwisgaar meant that he loved him. He had been scared, he'd walked in on him cutting himself; if he'd walked in later it might have been a lot worse. Toki felt guilty for making him see that, scaring him that way.

He tried to move away from Skwisgaar's embrace, he felt filthy inside and out; he needed to take a shower, but the older man didn't give.

"Skwis, come on I want to take a shower."

He carefully pried one arm off of himself and moved away from his friend as quietly as he could. He got to the door before Skwisgaar woke up asking him where he was going. Toki turned and looked at him; Skwisgaar sat there leaning back on his elbows, hair stuck to the right side of his face and he looked just barely awake.

"I need to take a shower, I was trying to not wake you up."

"Alright, do you think we can talk when you're done?"

He didn't really want to talk, he didn't know what there was to say. He didn't remember getting the knife or cutting himself. It scared him he didn't remember it, the voices scared him even worse now that he knew that at least one of them could make him do things when he was panicking.

"Sure"

The older man lay back down on the bed most likely going to sleep until Toki got done with his shower. He planned on taking his time, Skwisgaar looked exhausted and stressed, and he sort of just needed some time to himself to think this over.

In the bathroom he removed the bandages from his arm to examine the self made wounds. They really weren't all too bad, especially after Skwisgaar had cleaned them up and the had been given time to begin the healing process. He gave credit that his friend had done his best to stay calm, to take care of him. He hadn't seemed angry or disgusted, just frightened but doing his best to keep it together. Toki turned the water on in the shower, waited for it to get hot, then climbed in under the spray.

He needed to tell somebody about this; it hadn't been like this before. He'd been told growing up he was a death bringer or a soul collector, those words to a young kid didn't make any sense at all. As an adult they made even less sense. It seemed to him like his parents made up stories and legends to tell him, to frighten him away from leaving their home and wandering into town where sin ran rapid according to them and their strict beliefs. That's why it had shaken him up so badly when the girl had died and he started hearing her voice, he'd initially taken it as heavy guilt weighing him down or perhaps a break in his sanity. When he started to recall what he'd been raised to believe about his place as a bringer of death and all the things he'd been told about himself then it brought on a new form of panic. He never thought he'd wish he was just insane, he still could have been. He never told anybody about it, because he went between ashamed and nervous. Besides it had just been one voice, only the one until others joined over time and now he was losing count. Finding out he and his friends were part of a major prophecy, learning they were demigods explained a lot and made the fear of insanity go away to be replaced by the fear he was something else that his parents had warned him about.

They had called bull shit on the whole concept, but quickly learned other wise. Nathan sometimes talked to Charles about his dreams and the things that he heard or felt, Toki knew he should do the same thing. He was just scared of what he would find out about himself, nothing he didn't already know, and if there was something else then he wasn't sure he wanted to know what it was. He was okay with being in the dark about it; whatever it was that he could do it was nothing good. There had to be a way to control it outside of substance abuse and blatantly ignoring it, it wasn't healthy doing it this way.

He looked at the cuts on his arm, obviously it wasn't healthy ignoring the voices.

Maybe they could be helpful?

He didn't know how, he'd caused them all to die in one way or another. He wasn't sure he could get help from people who wanted nothing but bad things to happen to him.

Charles would know what to do, Hell even Nathan might know...He could talk to Nathan, he could do it later if he could get the singer alone. Right now he had to deal with Skwisgaar and he wasn't looking forward to that in the least. He could tell him first, tell him in general; it would let him understand why Toki was some of the way he was. Skwisgaar had his own purposes according to the prophecy; he was meant to bring life into the world, Toki envied that. He was supposed to create and give life, why couldn't he get that power?

He'd tell him, just not right now. Talking to Nathan would help unless it lead to having to talk to Charles then he somehow knew that would lead to being told he should share his thoughts and what was going on with Skwisgaar since they were so close to each other. They were close, he wasn't going to lie about that, but he was still scared. The fear was irrational, brought on by things that he had taken the wrong way and Skwisgaar never would have done or said if he'd known how Toki would take it. Fear caused by his father and by Magnus, by his own feelings of being an outcast. Skwisgaar told him he loved him, he wouldn't judge him or hurt him...Magnus had made him feel the same way and that had turned out beautifully.

No Skwisgaar wouldn't do that to him. Even thinking that Skwisgaar could do that to him made his stomach hurt, he knew better.

He stepped out of the shower, dressed, and took care of the cuts on his arm before returning to his room. Skwisgaar still lay on his bed, but he was no longer asleep; he stared up at the ceiling. When the door closed and Toki sat on the foot of the bed he sat up giving the younger man his attention. There was a hint of awkwardness in the air between them, Skwisgaar would glance at his bandaged arm and Toki felt too guilty to really look him in the eye.

"Why did you do it?"

"I really don't know why, I don't remember it. I'd tell you if I did, I think I just sort of blacked out."

It happened, they both knew that it happened. His temper, fear, or depression got out of hand; emotions got too heavy and he left his head for a moment. It wasn't normal, but it happened enough that it was something they all learned to understand. They never did anything to help it.

"Okay what happened before that?" Skwisgaar asked, there was a cautious tone to his voice.

He didn't know what he could ask, what would come off as insensitive or too invasive. He knew how quickly his friend could crawl back inside of his own mind.

"I was just getting really panicked, that's all. It's nothing, it won't happen again."

Obvious lies were pointless, Skwisgaar wasn't an idiot.

"Why don't you talk to me about what's going on, you told me you want to."

There was something sad in his voice, like he didn't understand why he hadn't gained that trust.

"I know...I...It's complicated, really complicated; I don't know how to tell you. There's so many things I need to tell you, but I'm scared."

Scared that he would run away from him, scared he wouldn't touch him again, scared he wouldn't talk to him anymore because he wouldn't know how.

"You don't have to be scared, I love you."

Those words again, they made him smile but made him feel like he was on the verge of crying. Skwisgaar brushed his fingers against his cheek, Toki looked up meeting his eyes.

"Please don't hide from me"

He felt anxious thinking about everything just on the tip of his tongue, every confession he could spill right in that moment. He wanted to so badly to just tell him so he could get it off his chest and maybe find comfort and solace. He needed it, he needed to be wanted and told he wasn't wrong or broken. He would be okay again or somewhere close to it, Skwisgaar would be there for him and he'd still love him.

He let out a shuddering breath, stray tears fell from his eyes, and Skwisgaar pulled him against himself holding onto him. Toki wrapped his arms around the older man, he buried his face against his chest. The wall of fear that kept him from the freedom of telling somebody what had happened to him no just with Magnus but other men before him, telling him about his curse and the things going on in his head. The fear kept him from the freedom of just unloading it all onto somebody else who could offer him comfort and help him work to get better. He needed to get better, but he was rarely one who was very good at doing that. He could get better a piece at a time, but one wrong move and he'd fall apart all over again.

He just wanted out of his head for awhile. Closing his eyes he focused on the sound of a beating heart and words that told him everything would be okay when he knew nothing would be.


	8. Chapter 8

His mind was bothering him again, not that this was exactly uncommon. Anymore it seemed more common than not. He could hear his father's voice echoing inside his mind, going on about cleansing and damnation. The old man's surprisingly loud and gruff voice telling him he never should have left Norway, he should have stayed in his place, and not caused so much tragedy. Nothing he hadn't heard before, nothing he hadn't thought before. Magnus' voice managed to twine through the dead holy man's words, mostly he laughed like there was something he knew that Toki did not. That bothered him. He wasn't for sure, but he had a theory that the souls could see every part of his mind, every moment and memory he had up there. The only one who seemed to take interest in this though was Magnus, the older musician had always had this deep interest of getting inside his brain and knowing him as deeply as possible.

'You have a lot of memories locked up in here.' Magnus said a casual interest in his voice.

His father was still speaking, his voice was slightly more faint.

He wanted to ask what he had locked up, but a sudden wave of nausea made him not question it.

'Guess you were already pretty fucked up before I got to you, I just helped make it a bit more interesting.'

Toki bit his tongue to keep from questioning, he wanted to know as much as he didn't. He was always one for repressing memories, it was never optional. His mind chose what he could handle when if at all, there apparently were memories he couldn't handle and maybe never could. He could barely function with the ones he could remember. An overwhelming depression and some sense of foreboding kept him in his room with the door locked to ensure nobody could get in, by nobody he meant Skwisgaar. The others rarely ever tried to come and talk to him, they didn't know how to handle him or whatever was going on. Some sense of guilt even months later ate away at them making every situation tense and awkward. He knew it would end, but not now.

Skwisgaar had already been to his room four times today, he'd try to open the door, then knock, then ask to come in, and then with no reply his voice would be louder with a slight crack to its generally deep tone and he'd sound scared. Toki was positive the last two times he had just sat outside his door waiting for him to open it and let him inside, let him know he was fine and wasn't lying on the floor bleeding out. The cuts were healing, just more scars...He recalled having a lot of cuts on his arms and legs when he was little; his knees used to get cut up a lot.

The thought makes his stomach hurt, he doesn't know why. Magnus laughs at him.

He tried to remember how long he had been locked inside his room, but he'd lost track of time the second he had woken up from another night of binge drinking. He had woken up to his father preaching to him, verses he had tried to drive out of his mind from his childhood.

'Not the only thing you drove out of your head.'

He pointedly ignored him, he needed to get out of here. He remembered he had wanted to ask Nathan about the prophecy, maybe not so much that, but what they could do. He didn't know how helpful the front man would be, but it would be somebody to tell about this.

Thankfully Skwisgaar wasn't waiting for him in the hallway. It wasn't like he enjoyed avoiding him, he just felt guilty and gross. It was driving him more insane than the souls raging wars inside of his head.

He found Nathan in the living room, surprisingly nobody else appeared to be around. The singer didn't acknowledge him until he sat down next to him on the large couch.

"Hey, haven't fucking seen you for a week. You look like shit." The black haired man commented as he gave his younger friend a quick once over.

Toki avoided mirrors lately, he swore he was seeing things in them.

"Yeah...Um can I ask you something?"

Nathan grunted and shrugged.

"Do you still have those dreams, the ones about the whales and stuff?" Toki asked feeling uneasy

"Yeah sometimes, what about it?"

The older man seemed a tad bit more interested now.

"Well...I sort of have that...Not that, not whales or anything, but um...I can hear dead people."

"Like the kid in the Sixth Sense?" Nathan asked snickering

Toki glared at him, "It's not funny, I'm serious."

"Alright, sorry...What do you mean you hear dead people?"

The rhythm guitarist rubbed nervously at his injured arm, Nathan glanced questioningly at it but chose to not delve into it.

"Like my dad and...and Magnus and other people I can hear them and I see them in my dreams a lot. It's only people I caused to die."

"Dude, Toki your dad had cancer and you didn't even fucking kill Magnus."

"It doesn't really matter, I hear them. It's like they live inside me or some shit, I don't know how to explain it."

He felt frustrated he couldn't explain himself, he felt frustrated that he wasn't sure what to do about it.

"Have you talked to Charles about it?"

"No"

"You should, you know he told us to tell him about this sort of shit. How fucking long has this been going on?"

"For a really long time; I know about it...My parents raised me to know about it, but I never really believed it. I just thought they were keeping me from going into town or something."

'Keeping you from calling child services'

"Does anybody else know?"

"No just you"

"You haven't told Skwisgaar?"

"Why would I?" Toki asked confused

"Uh cause you two always fucking talk about shit, even back when I told everybody not to do that."

Right he'd forgotten they weren't supposed to care about each other, nobody followed the rule anyway. He spent his first year in the band around Skwisgaar every chance he got, they always talked about things.

"He doesn't know"

"Right...You still need to fucking tell Charles though, I guess this shit is really important."

Toki got up from the couch, he knew it was going to go that way. It wasn't like he had anything against telling Charles about this, but everything about it made him uncomfortable.

"Oh and by the way go fucking talk to Skwisgaar he's freaked out you're going to kill yourself or some shit."

"Did he tell you..."

"About you freaking out and cutting yourself, yeah he told me. He was out here freaking out about it and how you had your fucking door locked all day today. Just talk to him so he stops fucking bugging me, like I keep fucking track on you all the time."

"Oh...Yeah okay I'll talk to him"

"Good"

"Thanks Nathan"

The black haired man grunted in response.

Toki took that as a sign to go ahead and leave the room. He considered going to his own room, but he was getting anxious in the small space. He chose to go outside instead, the fact it was raining rather hard helped in the decision making process. He went and sat down on one of the scattered picnic tables, within five minutes his hair and clothes were soaking wet. Storms made him feel some sense of security, like nobody could find him. He used to use snow as a sort of cover when he was a kid. He figured when it snowed hard enough his father couldn't find him.

Right now the sound of rain made the voices turn to a static, they weren't as terrible if he couldn't make out the words that they were saying.

He thought over the never ending list of things he needed to tell Skwisgaar about, half of the list made him feel dirty and the other half made him feel crazy and dangerous. There was rational thinking and realization, but then there was anxiety, paranoia, and severe depression that kept the rational side of thinking down.

Rationally Toki knew Skwisgaar wouldn't judge him about any of this, but he couldn't convince himself fully of that. He already looked at him like there was seriously something wrong with him, like he couldn't look after himself, and now he looked after him like he was a suicide risk. He always had been, maybe not a big one, but he'd still always been one.

He wondered if talking about this would release him just a little bit, he'd feel less weighted down. He owed that to himself, it gave Magnus one less thing to hold against him to keep him in his place.

"You're going to get sick sitting out here"

Toki glanced back, Skwisgaar stood there wearing a black leather jacket. His hands were shoved in the pockets of his gray jeans and his blond hair was soaking wet. The younger man looked away returning his stare to the ground, Skwisgaar sat down next to him.

"How did you know I was out here?"

"Nathan said you probably were, you always fucking go out when it rains."

"I like storms"

They made him feel clean.

"Why have you been avoiding me today?" Skwisgaar asked voice gentle.

He used to be such a sarcastic asshole, he still had his moments. Both of them had their moments of being sarcastic and acting like complete pricks, but it happened less recently. He missed things being casual, missed being able to forget a lot of things and just be happy.

"I just want to be alone, I did."

He still wanted to, but he also didn't. He liked the presence of another person, but there was a feeling of nervousness filling him up.

"Do you want me to go?"

"No...I'm sorry I've been avoiding you."

A chill ran through his body, he wrapped his arms around himself trying to chase it away. Skwisgaar scoffed at him, but didn't comment. Instead he removed his jacket and draped it over his friend's shoulders. Toki pulled it around himself, he smiled shyly at the blond who merely shrugged.

"There's some, a lot of stuff I really need to tell you, but I'm fucking scared to."

"That's why you've been ignoring me?"

Toki nodded.

"I'm worried about how you'll react."

"I won't get mad"

He was more worried he'd leave, look at him differently, and worse stop saying he loved him.

He felt an overwhelming amount of anxiety just thinking about telling him. His stomach hurt and he was pretty sure he'd start crying before he could get a single confession out into the open.

"When...When Magnus had us in that place he tortured us, a lot. Mostly me, he used to fuck with my head and do things to me a lot like my dad did to me."

He had never thought confessing his fears to somebody he trusted would end with being chained to a wall and beaten until he blacked out for hours.

"I used to be able to handle it, when I was a boy I could handle it. I could handle being chained to a wall and whipped, I could handle not being fed or hit...I'm so fucking weak now and pathetic. I couldn't handle it when Magnus did those things to me, I couldn't."

His voice broke as he went on, tears falling from his eyes and he would be damned if he looked in Skwisgaar's direction.

"That's why when he gave me the choice for something else I took it. It's not like it was anything I hadn't done with him before, back before he turned into an asshole."

He felt disgusted with himself about it, about everything. So many things all the way back to when he was a teenager.

"He told me he wouldn't, he wouldn't beat me if...He wouldn't do it if I had sex with him, but he'd only do it if I told him. If I begged him, he'd let me eat as a reward if I did good. God I'm so fucking disgusting...I shouldn't have done it, I know I shouldn't of. I just couldn't handle it anymore."

He broke down sobbing, he buried his face in his hands. His throat and stomach burned, he couldn't get the vivid images out of his head and all the rain in the world couldn't cleanse him after what he had done.

"I should have just taken the punishment. He fucking knew what he was doing, he knew about what I used to do. He took advantage of it, I fucking let him. I let him do that to me. I'm sorry."

When Skwisgaar placed a hand on his shoulder he fought hard not to flinch, some scared and skittish part of his mind expected to be punched. An arm wrapping around his shoulders caught him by surprise, but shame kept him from looking up at the man holding onto him. He felt warm breath against his skin and it only made him cry more.

"Shh no don't, it's not your fault. Don't apologize, Gods Toki why didn't you tell me?"

"Why would I, it's disgusting. I should have been stronger than that."

"Don't say that, you shouldn't have to put up with any of that. I'm so sorry we let you go through any of that, it isn't your fault babyen."

A memory surfaced in his mind causing a break in his crying. It had to had been the morning they got back to Mordhaus, after doctors looked over his wounds. Toki sat in the bath tub while Skwisgaar washed him gently like he was scared he would break. He didn't speak, but Skwisgaar had, he'd told him things would be better from now on and told him he was sorry for everything he put him through.

Toki raised his head to look at the older man, at least he wasn't the only one crying.

"You're not mad at me?"

"No, fuck no. I kind of wish you'd told me before though."

If he had known he never would have tried to push for sex with the younger musician, if he'd known before he find Magnus' corpse, dig it up, and rip it to shreds.

"I didn't want you to go away, I thought I could just forget about it."

So many repressed memories, he knew he had more than most people should ever have in a single lifetime.

He had been correct in thinking that saying it would give him some form of relief, even if it was miniscule. It was something; he relaxed in the older man's embrace resting his head on his shoulder.

There was still more, but he was exhausted and he just didn't want to think about it right now. He'd tell him later, he knew he would.

"We should go back inside, I don't need you getting sick."

Toki didn't like the thought of moving, but he liked the prospect of a warm bed and Skwisgaar holding him.

He followed the blond haired guitarist back inside and to his room, they removed wet clothes changing into dry ones. They lay down on the large white bed, Skwisgaar held him with the protectiveness that Toki was becoming more and more accustomed to. His mind was silent outside of the static, Skwisgaar kissed the top of his head whispering that he loved him.

"I love you too Skwisgaar"


	9. Chapter 9

There was a nightmare, not one that occurred enough to be heavily retained or to make Toki question it, but when he did have the nightmare it would stick with him. He would wake up feeling sick and terrified, most times he would wake up alone. There was a strong sense of relief waking up to a gentle hand on his cheek and a familiar voice whispering his name.

Skwisgaar looked at him with concern making him wonder if he spoke or cried when he had that dream.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine Skwisgaar, just a really weird stupid dream." He groaned and rolled over onto his stomach, he half buried his face against the pillow.

The dream still lingered in his mind, he wasn't in it, now he was merely watching it. Somehow watching was worse than being a main part of it.

"What was it about?"

"I don't really know, it's creepy; it's like I'm a little kid and I'm down in the punishment hole again. These snakes come out of the walls and bite into my arms and legs, I just go numb and can't move or really feel anything...Then this huge black spider with the head of a kind of familiar old man comes towards me...I wake up before he can eat me."

"You're right that is really fucking weird."

"Think it means something?" Toki asked curiously

Skwisgaar shrugged, "I don't know anymore, everything is so fucking strange anymore. Have you had it before?"

"A few times, I swear I know the old man."

He could hear Magnus laughing and his father praying.

Skwisgaar kissed the top of his head.

"I'm sure it's nothing, I have creepy dreams all the time."

Toki wanted to agree, push it to the side, but something about the fragments made him feel sick. Normally the dream only happened when something dealing with his childhood was going on, but nothing had been going on for the longest time now. If he didn't count his father's soul torturing him that was.

It took effort to get himself to move, his arms and legs felt numb like there was actually venom coursing through his veins while he waited for the man spider to come and eat him up.

His father's praying was louder like he was trying to block something out, it made Toki feel uneasy.

"are you sure you're okay?"

Skwisgaar pushed his hair back out of his face, fingers gently running along the nape of his neck.

"When have I been okay lately?" He asked smiling sadly

Toki sat up, Skwisgaar moved into a sitting position as well; he wrapped his arms around his band mate's waist.

"Are you sure you aren't mad at me?"

"There's no reason for me to be mad at you, you didn't do anything wrong."

He still felt disgusted with himself, he should have been stronger and just taken being hit and cut. He had grown up with that same treatment and he'd handled it fine, why couldn't he handle it now as an adult?

'Maybe you just wanted for me to fuck you, you can't deny you enjoyed it once or twice.'

"There were a couple of times when he would...I got away with keeping my eyes closed and I imagined he was you, I was so fucking hungry and scared that it worked enough for me to...Fuck, I feel gross. I'm fucking disgusting."

Skwisgaar held him more tightly, face buried against the side of his neck.

"It's okay, you aren't disgusting. He used you and hurt you and we should have done more to keep him the hell away from you. There's nothing wrong with you Toki, I'm going to help you get better."

'Wonder how long the guilt will last, I give it a month...You should tell him about hearing voices and killing everything around you.'

"You don't have to do that, I know you feel bad."

He felt like he didn't deserve it, he didn't deserve to be looked after or taken care of. They spent a good part of their lives watching him, raising him, and babysitting him. He was so sick of it; he was sick of parts of his childhood he couldn't remember because he kept them repressed, he was sick of being scared and trusting. He just wanted to be normal.

"I just want to be normal"

"If you haven't noticed none of us are normal, very fucking far from normal."

Toki pulled away from the older man so he could turn around to face him.

"You're sort of normal, compared to me you are. You can live like some regular jack off, you don't have all of these problems fucking you up inside."

Skwisgaar smirked, "I grew up to become a whore like my mom, I even became a prostitute a few times just to have food and rent, I have kids that just know me as that rich asshole who ruined their lives. I fuck up every relationship I have and every time I look in the mirror I realize I'm becoming more and more like her; also I spent a whole fucking year stoned off my ass trying to over dose just so I didn't have to deal with letting my only real fucking friend die...I'm not normal Toki."

Naturally he wanted to argue with him, but he also wanted to tell him he was far from being like his mother.

"You aren't her, you're a better person than that. You've just fucked up some."

Skwisgaar took hold of the younger man's right hand.

"Neither of us are normal and neither is anybody else in this fucking band. We can look after each other though, like we've always done."

That was normal, this was normal; Skwisgaar had taken after him ever since he was a teenager. There had always been a small age difference between the two of them, enough to make Skwisgaar look after him and feel like he had to take care of him. It carried on through the years even if it became less obvious as they became more famous, he'd always been his little brother, but then it changed to some off gray color until they became some odd blend of intimate and friends. Now they were some weird blend of friends and something beyond that, he wanted to be happier about it than he was.

"Everything is going to be okay, I love you"

Skwisgaar kissed him, Toki felt a security in his words and his actions. He kissed him back wanting to just stay in that comfort hoping it was more real than it was false. He leaned into the older man's warm touch as his fingers slipped up under his shirt trailing along scars. It felt like little pieces of him were being healed, temporarily, but it was something. Feeling something was better than the nothing he was becoming used to feeling. Skwisgaar bit and tugged at his lower lip, he smirked down at him when he broke away from the kiss. Toki removed the shirt he had borrowed from the older man, he felt less tense about showing his scars. He felt less tense and more relaxed when Skwisgaar looked over his body and when he touched every mark on his skin. He lay on his back watching as the blond haired man kissed his abdomen, his fingers circled burn marks along his hips.

"Is this okay?"

"Yeah"

He knew Magnus was trying to talk to him, but anything he was saying was being buried beneath his father preaching about how man should not lay with man and how his son was an abomination. He wondered which powers of hell brought his father out so strongly, but he was used to hearing all of that.

Skwisgaar moved back up his body pressing his lips against his.

"I think you should tell me what you're comfortable with."

"What do you mean?"

Skwisgaar kissed him again before laying down beside him.

"What you're comfortable with, with me sexually."

He'd hoped to not have to answer that question, he figured he'd just make himself work through it. He hated that he couldn't just go back to how they used to be, he knew Skwisgaar wasn't Magnus or the guys on the streets. He wasn't going to hurt him, he had never done that to him and he never would. Just there was a point where he couldn't make himself realize that and all he could feel and think about was Magnus and then he'd panic.

"I can't do any of it, I'm sorry...I want to, I really want to, but I can't get myself to relax."

"It's fine, don't worry; we won't do anything you don't want to, not until you're ready to."

"I can't see you living without sex Skwisgaar, you can have sex with other people. You don't even have to be with me if you don't want to be."

"I want to be with you and I'm sick of fucking complete strangers."

Toki laughed, "I never thought I'd hear you say that."

"Shut up I've had girlfriends before"

"Yeah, but you could fuck them...What if I never get passed this and we never have sex?"

"I'm still not going to hook up with groupies or leave you because of that. God that sounds too much like something my mom would do."

"Since when do you just want to be with me?"

It had always been an open ended relationship, even the times it seemed to be far from one. Towards the end it hadn't been anything at all between them except awkward silence and wondering what the fuck would happen to them once the band ended.

"For awhile, I thought about it more when you went missing...Like maybe things could have gone differently if I had just told you I wanted to be with you. I thought maybe after the band broke up I'd tell you, not tell you...I had this idea we could get a place together, Murderface could live with us too if you promised not to kill him." Skwisgaar said smirking

"Really hard promise to keep, he's such a pain in the ass."

"So would you have lived with me?"

"Technically we do live together, just with a shit ton of other people."

"I mean just us and one other person, but forget that part."

Toki shrugged, "Yeah I think I would have"

Even with the more than occasional fighting over dumb generally music related things he knew the two of them could live together. He figured it'd manage to kind of be peaceful, they wouldn't talk all that often and when they would they could speak in their native languages instead of trying to struggle through English.

"I'm going to work on things between us, I don't want to fuck up again."

Toki kissed him gently, "I'm not going to hurt myself again if you're worried about that."

'You'll hurt yourself if I want you to.'

He wasn't going to do that to himself again, to either of them. It was just a one time thing, he'd had a fit and Magnus managed to get too much control over his body. He refused to give him control like that, any of them. He still had faint images of the scenario Magnus put in his mind, making him see his own corpse and watch Skwisgaar hold him and lose it completely.

He wouldn't put him through that in real life.

"I don't want to lose you, like for good, and you scare the shit out of me when...I don't even know what's happening with you sometimes."

"It's okay, I'm going to try to figure some stuff out...There's still stuff I need to tell you, just not right now. I'm still exhausted from what I did tell you."

He felt mentally drained, he had hoped to take those things to his grave. Skwisgaar didn't think any less of him because of it though, he seemed to have a better understanding of why he felt uneasy about sex and why he didn't like talking about what had happened back there. Hopefully he'd take every secret he had that way, even the ones Toki didn't know about himself.

'Stay out' His father's voice stated sounding angry, he wasn't sure what he meant.


	10. Chapter 10

"Why did you choose to wait until now to tell me about this?"

Toki looked down at his folded hands, he could still feel Charles staring at him waiting for an answer. He had decided to talk to their old lawyer about the voices and the other things he was experiencing more than he was used to handling. Mostly, because Nathan had fucked up and said something about it the last time he had called Ofdensen to talk about some of his own prophetic visions. Toki didn't have visions or dreams that involved talking whales, he had dreams about pissed off dead people who wanted him dead with them.

"It's getting kind of bad, I want to make it stop."

"Well there isn't exactly a way to stop it, it's part of your gift."

He cringed at the word 'gift'. It wasn't a gift, it was a curse; he didn't enjoy having this happen to him. He just wanted it to go away.

"It's a curse, that's what my dad always told me."

"So your father informed you about this?"

The guitarist nodded, his hair fell over his face making it easier to hide away from the lawyer's steady gaze.

"What all did he tell you?"

Toki shrugged, he felt ten; ten and extremely uncomfortable.

"I kill things, mostly people when I love them, or I just kill them the normal way. I steal souls from the living and that I'm a demon."

"That's the basics I suppose, maybe put into better wording...You aren't a demon Toki, you're just like the rest of the band; you're all descendents of Gods."

So Skwisgaar wasn't being full of himself when he said he was the son of a God.

"Each of you have your own abilities whether you realize it now or will when the time comes. Nathan has been realizing his for over two years now and recently is working on learning about them, Skwisgaar has come to know more about himself, and you seem to have known a lot about yourself since you were a child. You just weren't taught about it the right way."

"So what the hell am I?"

Nathan had the ocean and nature in general, Skwisgaar brought life into the world, and as far as Toki knew his other two friends probably had just as nice and positive abilities.

"You are the Bringer of Death"

Great, something he had already known; just hearing it from somebody official made it worse. When he grew up hearing it from crazed church goers he could push it to the back of his mind, could go without thinking about it or caring about it. Hearing about it from Charles, hearing it as a fact of life made his anxiety build.

"So he was right about me; why do I have to hear their voices?"

"I don't know entirely, but that's more of a personal thing between you and the souls you collect."

"I don't want them, I didn't even kill Magnus."

He had been tied up to a crucifix, Magnus was going to slit his throat; the Assassin had killed the half blind musician. Toki had literally nothing to do with his demise.

"Well that I can't explain, it could be the connection he had to you. His hatred maybe is keeping his spirit attached to you."

"Can I make them shut up?"

"Meditation might help you learn how to keep them docile and quiet, but they can help you. Just now isn't the right time."

"The other day Magnus made me cut myself, how did that happen?"

"In a weakened emotional and physical state they can take over if they want to. It's something that can cause you harm or can keep you safe depending upon situation or who is taking over. These souls are important to you, you just need to learn how to work with them and keep control over them."

He hadn't slept in three days, he was too exhausted to actually try and do anything about them or to meditate or pretend this was all normal and okay. He just wanted to sleep and avoid his problems. That sounded like a better idea.

"It will be alright, just be patient, and if you have anything else you need to share then come to me."

With that Charles stood, gave one more mildly reassuring glance at the still worried guitarist then left the room. Toki lay his head against the table, this had to be a really shit dream; a good portion of his life had to be a really shit dream. The static of lost souls roared in his mind like the angry sea, it caused a dull throbbing in his skull that made him just want to end everything or drug himself into a calming state of sleep. Drugs sounded good, drugs and sleep sounded very good.

He struggled to make himself get up and leave the room to go to his own. His limbs felt heavy like they were being weighed down with bricks, he partially recalled his father doing that to him once as punishment.

Toki was more than grateful to find his room vacant, Skwisgaar had known he was going to talk to Charles, but he didn't know what it was about. He knew he should tell him, all five of them needed to work on the whole communicating thing. They were just accustomed to not doing that; they all kept things to themselves, they made themselves be that way no matter how unhealthy it really was. Toki hated doing it, but he learned even if he still sucked at it. As the youngest and still the newest in the band the others excused him, he appreciated it even if being last and always the newest got to him.

Under his mattress he found his pill bottles, he tossed the empty bottles to the floor trying to remember why he even still had them. There were still two bottles filled up with pills, nearly everything he had stashed caused either hallucinations or sleep. He hoped for sleep and not hallucinations, last time he'd had them they were bad. He took several pills then lay down on his bed; he closed his eyes and tried to relax, focusing on the static in his brain. If he focused in he could make out their words; it all sounded the same.

'You're a fucking bastard'

'Murderer'

'Demon'

'Psycho'

'Entitled cunt'

The usual, it rarely changed; they'd threaten to rip him to shreds in the next life but he was getting used to that. There were plenty of times he felt bad, but right now he was too exhausted to care. He felt anxiety choking him when he thought about it, when he thought about how he would live his entire life this way and as he got older there would be more and more voices until what?

He wondered if some day he'd hear his friends voices, would they be pissed at him too?

He didn't even really like the idea of his band mates being dead, he wondered if he'd cause it; he killed anything he loved, apparently he just killed. He knew he had a violent nature, some darker more primitive part of him knew everything somebody needed to know about murder. He mostly found he just attacked with his hands and teeth, he turned into some savage animal, it scared him. He wasn't like that, he didn't want to be like that. What if he blacked out and killed one of his friends, he would have killed Murderface the first time he'd gone off completely. He wasn't extremely fond of the bassist, but he wouldn't actually kill him. He didn't want to kill anybody that was the thing, but part of him wanted to. Like it was a necessary part of his existence.

According to the raging sea in his mind it was necessary.

His body naturally relaxed when the drugs kicked in, he fell asleep to the raging sea of angered souls.


	11. Chapter 11

Skwisgaar spent half a day waiting for Toki to get back from his meeting with Ofdensen. He caved in by evening and went to look for the brunette, he figured he might be in the living room or even the kitchen, but instead found Nathan.

"Have you seen Toki?"

"No"

"Didn't he have a meeting with Ofdensen?"

Skwisgaar still wanted to know what the meeting was about, it wasn't really any of his business, but Toki had been avoiding answering his questions when he'd asked about it.

"Yeah I guess, you haven't seen him around?"

"No" The blond haired man replied feeling awkward.

Nathan grunted

"So do you know what the meeting was about?"

"He didn't tell you? Weird, yeah about him hearing dead people in his head. I guess it's getting really bad, I told him he needed to tell Ofdensen cause when this shit happens we're supposed to talk to him about it."

"Voices?"

This was news.

"Yeah, like I guess when people die he collects their souls. I don't know, talk to him about it. I figured he fucking told you already, he's probably in his room."

"Right, thanks Nathan"

The guitarist left, he took the singer's advice and made his way to the rhythm guitarist's bedroom. Voices, he heard voices of dead people; why hadn't he told him about this?

Why the hell did Nathan know about it?

Skwisgaar was still trying to grasp onto the fact that Magnus had raped him, but he felt like this was something else he should know...Why did he have to know, Toki didn't owe him anything; he didn't even have to tell him about what Magnus had done to him. Skwisgaar was lucky that his friend still talked to him at all, he still felt guilty as shit. He wanted to do anything he could to make him feel comfortable with him, he wanted his friend back to the way he used to be, but he knew that wasn't going to happen. Now he was filled with the fear he'd just keep falling and there would be a rock bottom somewhere and he wouldn't make it out alive.

He tried to not think about that, but after catching him cutting himself he had to worry. Now he was learning so much else, he was amazed he was holding on as well as he at least seemed to be. Toki chose to repress instead of to deal with things; none of them really helped with that. When he'd been a teenager they taught him to just keep shit to himself, brooding was metal, and feelings were gay. They had taken in a sixteen year old run away who had been raised like some sort of animal, thinking back on it they were really not the people fit to take care of somebody. He felt bad about it, he felt bad about an endless list of things.

The bedroom door was unlocked, Toki was curled up on his bed sleeping, or if the pill bottles on the floor were any sign he was in a drug induced sleep. Most of them were empty, most of them were anti depressants or for anxiety or bipolar disorder or the kind you bought from guys in the parking lot of Wal-Mart.

Skwisgaar sat down next to him, he shook him by his shoulder trying to wake him up. The younger man didn't even make a sound or try to move away from him, Skwisgaar wondered just what he had taken and how many. It had to have been some time ago, he was definitely breathing, and he seemed fine. He would be fine, Skwisgaar repeated that to himself until he believed it enough to feel calmer. He climbed into bed lying behind the younger man. He wondered what had been talked about in his meeting with Ofdensen, it had to be bad. Skwisgaar was still confused; he'd only met with the lawyer a couple of times back after their rescue mission. He told him what little he guessed at most and Ofdensen told him what he thought he should know. It wasn't much, nothing new; he was descended from Odin and his purpose was mostly to breed. He wasn't really doing his job anymore, he knew there were other parts to it and it wasn't like reproducing was going to stop the world from succumbing to demons. Besides he had somebody he needed to protect, he didn't care about one night stands.

He wondered how much longer Toki would be asleep for, he thought about throwing the rest of the pills out so he would stop taking them.

He wondered if he should ask him what Ofdensen had said to him, see if he'd tell him the truth. He understood Toki not wanting to tell him certain things, a lot of things, and this was something he understood completely. Though what he did know confused him, he didn't get what Nathan meant; he knew better than to keep pressing the singer for conversation.

Skwisgaar spends a bit of time thinking over what little Nathan had told him, what things he already knew about the rhythm guitarist. He twirled the ends of strands of brown hair around his index finger, before realizing the younger man wouldn't be awake for some time; he wrapped an arm around his waist pulling himself close to Toki's back. It didn't take long for him to succumb to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

"When were you going to tell me about the death bringer thing?" Skwisgaar asked, he combed his fingers through Toki's hair.

Skwisgaar sat on the couch, Toki was laying down with his head on his lap staring up at him.

"I don't know, I would have told you...Just everything else, it sounds crazy."

"The head of the record label got slaughtered by a huge white eyed demon and we had some weird God powered black out, you hearing the voices of dead people isn't exactly crazy at this point Tokis."

"Sorry, I didn't tell you because Magnus told me you would leave me."

"Magnus?"

"He's one of the souls I collected, Charles says it's because of how much he hated me. He connected himself to me."

Toki took hold of Skwisgaar's free hand tracing his index along his palm then playing with each of his fingers. He wanted to distract himself from thinking about Magnus, he'd been okay now for the past two days.

"Is that what's been going on with you since you've gotten back?"

"Yeah"

Skwisgaar continued running his fingers through his friend's hair.

"What's it like?" He asked, curious

"Static...a lot of static, it's like a sea or a broken radio. I can listen really close and hear some people, but I don't like to; it makes me sad...Magnus is really loud a lot of the time, he's...He's the reason I was cutting myself that day, he took over and made me do it. I should have told you then, but I was scared you'd freak out and wouldn't want to be with me anymore."

He still had that fear, he was still pissed off that Nathan had told Skwisgaar about this. Toki was a bit happy that he knew, because it was one less thing to hide and try to handle by himself. They were passed that stage in their lives, hiding things and taking care of it themselves. Hurting themselves to pretend bad things hadn't happened to them, they were past that, and group feeling of self loathing made them miss that self destruction.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

Skwisgaar felt for the most part useless; he wanted to help him, he wanted to make Magnus leave him alone. This wasn't something he could help with, it was out of his control. Skwisgaar hated not being able to handle something, control it, or perfect it.

"Just don't leave me alone with him anymore"

"I won't, I'm here now" He whispered as he leaned down to kiss him.

Toki smiled against his lips, he laced his fingers with Skwisgaar's.

"I love you"

"I love you too, this will get better."

They kissed again, it lasted longer this time, Toki swiped his tongue along the older man's bottom lip. He pulled back grinning at him, Skwisgaar had forgotten that he liked to see him smile.

Skwisgaar leaned back against the couch, he resumed petting the younger man's hair while Toki idly played with his hand like it fascinated him immensely. If they both pretended the world wasn't ending outside of their fortress and forgot they were Gods then this was calm, this was normal, and they were happy.

"You know I didn't even want to be famous or a musician when I was growing up."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I just wanted to get through school, and get a job like a regular jack off. I planned on dating and marrying a nice girl, we'd get married and have some kids...It'd be like the families on the shows I watched growing up."

He remembered watching comedy shows every day after school when his mom would be out 'working'. He used to pretend those were his families, normal happy families with a mom and a dad. The only days he couldn't hide in that little safe place were the times his mom moved in her men for short amounts of time, some of them could be so violent and short tempered with a child around the house.

"What happened?"

"I found my guitar, took lessons, and put everything in me into playing...I felt like I had to, fate made me fall into that hole and find it there."

"Do you still want that?"

"A family?"

"Yeah"

Skwisgaar shrugged, "From time to time, I would suck at it. I don't even like kids that much, I got thousands I never see outside of court...I guess that's my power though, I exist to play guitar and fuck. It's all that I'm good for."

Toki got up and sat down on the older man's lap, "Don't say that"

"What else can I do, I put you down all the fucking time, but at least you can do things."

"Shut up, you're good at a lot...You don't know what else you're able to do, none of us do."

They just knew the basics, Murderface and Pickles were still trying to find out even the basics. There was still time enough to learn, to have their powers fully activated. He knew Skwisgaar had more to him than just what he had been able to figure out, bringer of life had to mean something more than just reproduction.

"To tell the truth this whole thing scares the fuck out of me."

"Me too, it'll be alright though...The good guys always win, right?" Toki asked hopefully

Skwisgaar smiled, "Yeah Tokis, they do"


	13. Chapter 13

Nightmares and voices; they were back full force again, he had gone a week completely free of them. They were back and he hadn't a single clue why, he just wanted them to go away again. He wanted to fake normality for just a few more days, couldn't he have that?

A screeching in his head made him flinch and put his hands over his ears, it hurt. He felt exhausted; the souls raging inside of him were exhausting him, he could just pass out. He wanted to get drunk or stoned before he passed out though, he wasn't going to sleep sober. He didn't know if he could go to sleep while sober right now, he couldn't be sober. He couldn't handle this.

It felt like every couple of minutes he was blacking out; one minute he was in his room and the next he was in the kitchen with a bottle of pills in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other.

'You're fun when you're weak. C'mon'

"Leave me alone, I didn't do anything to you. You're the one who fucking hurt me, I trusted you, you stabbed me and you tortured me. What did I do to you?" Toki yelled to an empty room, his voice echoing back at him.

He felt crazy, but he knew that he wasn't. He wasn't crazy, he was-

'Cursed, you're a demon. We tried to keep you from going out into the world and destroying everything that you touch. You're a filthy creature'

"Stop it, I'm not"

Toki slid down to the floor still clutching both bottles in his hands. He couldn't do this, he couldn't take this.

'Do it, fucking kill yourself so we can get out of here.'

"I didn't do anything wrong, I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I didn't replace you and I didn't mean for any of you to die."

His body trembled as he began crying, his hands shook and he tightened his grip on the bottles he held.

'Do it or I will make you do shit that will make you wish you fucking took my advice.' Magnus yelled his voice searing with pure hatred that he could feel in his very bones.

How were they supposed to help him when they wanted him dead? How was he supposed to focus or talk to them when the wave of lost souls was crashing against his skull causing a throbbing nearly blinding pain in his head. He didn't want this at all, he'd been okay, but now it was bad again. He couldn't think of what had changed, not much had been different other than he'd started feeling happy again. Did that attract them, the second he felt happy they decided to come and fuck it up for him?

'Please like you were really happy, you have a lot of things you keep inside. You don't even know half of it.'

Toki opened the bottle of vodka, he didn't want the pills; the pills were bad. The black outs were bad, black outs plus a bottle of pills was very bad; he knew this. He drank the clear liquid ignoring the burning all down his throat, it distracted him made him feel something. He didn't realize he hadn't felt much physically since the voices came back; he'd been physically numb, just a rag doll. Like the doll he owned as a boy, the one that kept him safe. The one he held when...

His father's voice came sharp and loud like a distorted radio station playing too loudly in a car, the pain in his head made him whimper.

'Daddy here has a lot of secrets, he likes to keep an eye on that door to make sure you don't ever get a peek inside.'

"What are you talking about?" Toki asked his voice a soft whine.

It hurt, everything hurt and his stomach hurt.

'The holy man has more secrets than a bastard son.'

"Shut up, stop talking. Just stop."

'You know how to make it stop, I'll give it's not as fun as how I used to get you to shut up. Who knew you didn't have a gag reflex'

"Shut up, I told you to shut up. I was okay, why are you back?"

The alcohol wasn't working fast enough, but the pills would. He could feel a burning in his stomach with every drink, his throat felt like it was on fire and his head felt like it could explode. Too many voices, there was a girl screaming like she was being burned alive, his father prayed loudly as if he wanted to drown out the filth spewing from Magnus' mouth. He wanted them to all stop. He wanted to make it all just go away.

There were twelve pills in the palm of his hand and he was half a second away from taking them. He didn't remember doing this, he threw them along with the bottle across the floor watching them slide and scatter going underneath counters. He sat the bottle down and pulled his legs up against himself trying to hide from them, hide from everything. He didn't want to be alone right now, he couldn't do this. He was terrified and he hadn't seen Skwisgaar all day, he didn't even know where he was.

'You would be completely useless without him, you can't even function by yourself. You're such a pathetic weak little victim.'

"I'm not weak"

'That's why you chose to let me fuck you instead of just letting me beat you.'

"Go away, just let me be alone for a fucking day. Just one more day."

'Do you know what's going to happen when you finally die? I can torture you over and over again for an eternity, that's my reward for this shit. I'm going to make you regret your very existence.'

"Stop it! I didn't do anything to you!"

He'd trusted him, he spent time with him and told him everything. He still couldn't understand it, he never would, because there was no logic to it. It wasn't his fault, he hadn't done anything wrong, but it happened for a reason.

Another black out, this time he felt his head hit the floor.

A hand violently shook his shoulder, a voice yelling, and his head was vacant other than his own dazed thoughts. He felt somebody pulling his arm, he fell against a body, an arm wrapped around him holding him closely and protectively. He turned his head so he could bury his face against their shirt, he could practically hear Skwisgaar's frantically beating heart, his shaky hand was combing through his tangled brown hair and fingers touched his cheek. Every word out of his mouth was a shaky terrified whisper spoken in Norwegian in hopes the younger man would respond to him somehow.

"Skwis?"

"Y-yeah, what happened, are you okay?"

He shook his head in reply, his head hurt, and he was the furthest fucking thing from that word.

"What happened?"

"Where were you at?"

There was a too long pause before he got the response of "I was busy"

Toki gave it a minute before trying to move, he sat up enough to look into Skwisgaar's eyes. He looked so frantic and scared, maybe like he'd been crying. God how long had he been passed out?

"I was worried about you, you wouldn't wake up."

He thought in passing his friend worried too much. Normally he hid it and Toki forgot he even cared at all, but when he showed it there was something heavy about it. It made him feel strange and sometimes selfish, seeing Skwisgaar cry was something he still wasn't used to even though it wasn't a rare occurrence. He wanted to say something, but his tongue felt thick and his throat felt like something was blocking it. He placed his head on the older man's chest again, he closed his eyes and decided to rest.

Skwisgaar leaned back against the counter, he held Toki on his lap; he continued brushing his fingers through his hair. The scariest thing about the fifteen minutes his friend had been unconscious was when he had whispered about killing himself.


	14. Chapter 14

He couldn't tell the difference between Toki sleeping peacefully or just being black out drunk, maybe just blacked out in general. He knew normally when the younger man slept he made soft sounds, mostly whimpers or quiet sighs and moans. He used to love those sounds, they were so dumb and adorable. He missed that, if anything he just thrashed and cried out in pain when he slept. Right now he wasn't, he only breathed heavily, his head was still nuzzled against the Swedish musician's chest. Skwisgaar wasn't sure for how long they had been on the kitchen floor; he surveyed the mild damage. The pills scattered on the floor and the half empty vodka bottle laying abandoned not too far from his left foot.

"What the fuck happened in here?"

Skwisgaar looked up, Nathan stood in front of him looking from the bottles on the floor to the curled up Scandinavians on the floor.

"He had another freak out, can you help me get him to my room?"

The blond carefully moved Toki off of his lap and onto the floor, Nathan was less gentle in picking up the brunette and throwing him over his shoulder like baggage.

"Why not his room?"

"Just rather have him in my room"

"Uh right, so you know what the fuck happened?" Nathan asked as they started walking.

"I seriously don't know, I just found him in here passed out on the floor."

He should have been watching him, it got frustrating though. It wasn't that Skwisgaar hated taking care of Toki, it was just that he needed a break sometimes...A lot of times and lately it was bad.

"Where were you at?"

"I don't have to watch him all the time, he's not my responsibility."

Yes he was, he had always been Skwisgaar's responsibility ever since he was a kid. Ever since he'd looked at the sad hopeful teen with his wide blue eyes and tattered clothes, he knew he would be looking after him even if he never actually had a hand in actually raising him up. He felt left over guilt for the way he had begun acting when Dethklok became famous; the appeal of money and women had made him start to spend less time with the teen. When he was around him he treated him badly, insulted him, and made him feel like shit; Skwisgaar had a fear of being up staged, having Toki be better than him or more popular than him. It was stupid, severely stupid; he remembered how much it hurt the first time the then nineteen year old had finally just lost it and screamed at him that he fucking hated him.

The adoration was replaced by frustration, Skwisgaar didn't fully believe he hated him, but sometimes it seemed like he did. He tried to think when hate turned into love, he didn't deserve it.

Nathan lay the unconscious musician down on Skwisgaar's bed, but didn't leave the room.

"I don't mean to really get involved with this shit, but he's really fucking weird lately. Like really fucked up, I'm worried about the kid."

"Yeah me too"

"Think maybe one of us should talk to Ofdensen about this, cause I don't think he fucking told him everything he should have."

"It's his...His whatever the hell it is"

They didn't know what the Hell it was, they just knew it was scary as hell. They used to just think he was mentally unstable, his tendency to have black out rage fits for short to long periods of time was a reason to think that. Skwisgaar had been curious, he'd learned things, as much as Toki was willing to give and what he could even remember; Skwisgaar learned there were a lot of things that the younger musician was keeping from himself. There were event hings now that he didn't know, none of it was his business.

"Yeah well it's fucking him up really bad; he looks like shit and I've caught him yelling at himself like twice now."

"You know he isn't talking to himself"

"I know, I know...Seriously though why the fuck is Magnus fucking with him?"

"I don't fucking know, he blames him or some shit; I wish the bastard was alive. I want to kill him."

"Get in line dildo, look I'm going to go back to the studio. Come by later when you're ready to work again."

"Yeah, sure...Thanks Nathan"

The black haired man grunted in reply, he turned and left closing the door behind him.

Skwisgaar curled up on the bed lying next to his still sleeping friend. He wondered what the inside of his head looked like and sounded like with all of the things going on with it, he couldn't imagine living like that. Then again he knew Toki was just barely living like this, it was getting bad.

Things used to be so different, but things changed constantly. It was funny how quickly things happened, how in under a year they had made millions, in two they became the biggest band in the world, and in four the world was starting to end. They were demigods and the youngest member of their band was some kind of grim reaper. TV wasn't even as mind numbingly entertaining as it used to be; at first it was cringe worthy due to every video, image, and story about how they had spent a year not looking for Toki. It had been worse when their no longer missing band mate had seen, worse that he reacted with tense silence and crying in his room. When the news got over with that it moved on to the state of the world, it was falling to shit faster than they were used to seeing. Skwisgaar didn't like thinking this was their problem now, he should have taken Toki and left the country the minute they found out about the church and the prophecy. They could had gone to Sweden or Norway or any place, could have lived secluded and fucking let everything fall to shit while they pretended that it wasn't happening. They could both deal with denial, they were good at denial; all five of them were great at being in denial.

Toki shifted, he groaned in his sleep and moved closer to the older man. Skwisgaar brushed his hair out of his face and pressed his lips against his forehead.

"It's okay, it'll be okay"

Lying to himself was nearly as bad as lying to Toki. He needed to do it though, he couldn't handle the truth of how nothing was okay and this was nowhere near being as bad as it was going to get. He felt exhausted by the very thought of it; literally everything they knew about the world and their comforts were disappearing. Skwisgaar feared just how much they could lose and what the world would be like if they won and even worse, if they lost.

The fleeting and terrifying thought of one or more of them dying crossed his mind, panic rose in his throat when the thought hit him. He'd known these guys for a long time, it seemed like a long time anyway. It seemed like they had all been friends for a lifetime, but it was only a handful of years; they had too much time to live lives that they probably didn't deserve.

The prospect of Toki dying entered his mind; how many times had he almost lost him? Way too many, way too many to even want to think about. He didn't want to actually lose him, he didn't want a scenario where he could do something to prevent it; he didn't want that guilt or the loneliness that would follow.

Breathe.

He wouldn't die, nobody was going to die. Everything would be okay.

Toki opened his eyes and looked at the older man, recognition lit up his light colored eyes. He reached a hand up placing it on Skwisgaar's cheek, thumb brushing his skin.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing"

"Liar, you're crying" he moved closer so that their bodies were pressed closer together, Skwisgaar placed a hand on his hip sliding it up under his shirt so that he could feel his skin.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"a little bit, my head hurts"

"You drank half a bottle of vodka, idiot." Skwisgaar muttered, he kissed him gently.

"You're the one crying for no reason"

"I'm just worried about you, that's all. I'm allowed to worry."

"You just do it, because you feel like shit."

There was guilt behind it, he couldn't lie about that, but he'd felt bad for a long time.

"I'm worried, because I love you. Stop being such a brat."

Toki smiled sadly, "My dad said loving me is really dangerous to your health."

"I'll risk it"

The younger man kissed him, "Thanks Skwisgaar" he whispered against his lips before kissing him again.


	15. Chapter 15

"There's a lot of things I don't really remember that well or at all, I think they're really bad things."

Toki took another drink from the bottle before passing it back to Skwisgaar.

"Then how do you know there's things you can't remember?"

The younger man shrugged, Skwisgaar eyed him noticing how thin and tired he looked.

"Dreams when I have them, things Magnus tells me...The way my dad has been acting, there's something off."

The buzzing in his head increased in volume to a point where he had to wince from the pain it caused him, it then settled again; like waves crashing against rocks. He figured one of these days if he didn't just take his own life then he'd lose his hearing from the sound of crashing distressed souls.

"Magnus is a liar, always makes shit up; you know that. He lied to you for months."

Toki leaned his head back against the couch and groaned, "Yeah I was dumb enough to fucking believe him."

"You're not dumb"

"Right, that's why I do stupid shit all the time."

Skwisgaar sat the bottle down on the floor between them, Toki picked it up.

"Do you want to remember whatever it is?"

Toki looked down inside of the bottle, he watched the amber liquid sloshing against the glass as he tilted it from side to side before deciding to take a drink.

"No" he finally answered.

He felt that he didn't have much of a choice in the matter; he would remember things, because the souls wanted him to, or at least one of them wanted him to. He disliked being the only one in their group with this 'gift', he still despised calling it a gift. It was a curse, he didn't find it useful; when he wasn't blacking out, having nightmares, or being made to hurt himself then he was being taunted by them. Nearly all of them hated him, the ones who didn't were so few that it was near impossible to hear their words of comfort. He wanted to hear them more often, to feel their warmth and presence to melt away the cold he felt, but it was never enough. He was just left with the burning hatred of other souls, Magnus was in the lead.

He sat the bottle down on the floor, he pulled his legs up against himself wrapping his arms around them.

"I'm so tired of this Skwisgaar."

He couldn't do this, he couldn't deal with any of this. He didn't want to know what they were hiding from him. Whatever it was he knew it had to do with his childhood, that explained why his father was doing his best to keep it secret from his son and from anybody he might tell. What was there left to tell? He couldn't imagine what other terrible things had happened to him as a child, though he knew there were black spots like cigarette burns in old film.

Skwisgaar moved over to the younger man's side, he wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Toki leaned his head against the blond haired man's shoulder, Skwisgaar kissed the top of his head.

"I don't know how long I can do this for. I'm thinking about letting Magnus just kill me."

He knew death wasn't a real escape; he'd always been a bit on the suicidal side. He used to think there was a comfort in eternal darkness, but knowing that wasn't for him; knowing that when he died he would be physically tortured by the souls that hated him ruined that escape for him. He had no escape.

"Don't say things like that, I'm not losing you again." The older man chastised

Toki smiled sadly, he always got so protective and emotional over the thought of Toki dying.

"I'm probably going to die anyway, I'm the weakest one out of us. I can't get control over what I am, it's eating me alive."

He figured if Salacia didn't kill him then one of the souls he reaped would do it instead. He knew what Charles had said about meditation, but he didn't have the strength to try it; he didn't want to find out that it would work as well as everything else.

"You won't die, you're not weak; I don't know why you think that."

"You don't listen to yourself when you talk, do you?"

"I didn't mean any of it, I never thought you took any of that shit seriously."

He had just been jealous and scared of falling to the side all over again, but he wouldn't say that. He would rather die than admit that he was jealous of Toki or that he was afraid the younger guitarist could easily be a lot better than him.

Toki stretched his legs out, he pulled away from the other man's embrace.

"Have you had any dreams or whatever?"

"Maybe?"

"Pretty easy question"

"I don't know; bright white lights and lots of snow. That's all, just stupid."

Toki picked the bottle back up from the floor, Skwisgaar took it from him before he could take another drink.

"What?" He asked glaring as the older man drank the rest of the alcohol then tossed the bottle to the side.

"You've had enough, you spent all day yesterday drunk."

"So, I can spend today drunk too."

"I don't want you to, it's not good for you little Toki."

"I hate when you call me that." The younger man commented averting his eyes.

Skwisgaar crawled over to in front of him, he seated himself on Toki's legs. He placed two fingers beneath his chin lifting his head up.

"You act like a little kid, so I call you little; besides I've known you since you were a kid."

"I was sixteen that's not a kid and it hasn't been that many years."

It was unnerving thinking how it really hadn't been, god he was only twenty-four. How did all of this happen in such a short span of time?

"You even pout like a little brat, it's cute when it isn't annoying." Skwisgaar said

He smirked when Toki glared up at him.

"You're such a dick Skwisgaar, remind me why I like you again."

The older man kissed him firmly, right that was why.

He felt himself relax, he placed his hands against Skwisgaar's chest feeling some satisfaction in feeling his beating heart. He moaned softly when teeth nipped his bottom lip, fingers trailed up along his jawline finding their way to the back of his head and tangling in long hair. Skwisgaar slid his tongue into the other guitarist's mouth, Toki tried to kiss with the same amount of passion but found as usual he couldn't keep up with the older man's pace. He thought back to days when making out became competition, back when it was done out of anger and drunken boredom that ended up with waking up in strange places and looking for discarded pants and boots.

Now it was with something new, something more matured, and with the desperation of people trying to find something in each other. He needed Skwisgaar, but never as much as Skwisgaar needed him.

His breath hitched in his throat when warm hands slipped up under his shirt, talented and calloused fingers touched every scar in their reach knowing exactly where every one began and ended. Skwisgaar knew the stories attached, who caused them, and when they were caused. Toki didn't feel uneasy or scared anymore when his friend touched them, he felt like the off colored skin was being mended, the past was being temporarily erased. Maybe if they kissed deeply enough and long enough Skwisgaar could take away all the bad thoughts.

He gently shoved the other man away from him so he could remove his shirt and lay back on the floor. He watched with immense interest as Skwisgaar kissed along his collar bones, down along his scarred chest and abdomen. He didn't mind the scars right now, they were just battle scars; they didn't change him they just told people where he'd been. Skwisgaar didn't care about where he had been or who had touched him and hurt him. He didn't think he was wretched or dirtied, he just saw him. He could fucking swear his heart stopped for a second when those deep blue eyes locked on his, something in them made everything fade for just a second. Lips crashing back against his made the waves of souls in his head, in his body calm into a low humming static. He tangled his fingers in blond hair as he kissed back with the same heated passion, they broke away both panting and staring down at each other.

"I love you" Skwisgaar whispered

Maybe it was the alcohol, the month of little to no sleep, and the mixed medications, but those three words held more in them in that moment than they had anytime before.

They kissed again with the same passion, he wanted to feel him. He groaned when Skwisgaar placed a knee between his legs; he ground down against him; the older man bit into the side of his neck. Toki groaned, he wanted this, he needed this; he wanted old normality. Skwisgaar's right hand played over his stomach touching everywhere except where he needed him to, he took hold of his wrist guiding it down to his crotch.

"You sure about this?"

"Just...Just yeah, please"

He wanted to say he was perfectly okay, everything was fine. Nothing ever was.

Skwisgaar unfastened his jeans, he reached in wrapping his fingers around the younger man's hardened cock and began stroking slowly. Toki bucked his hips upwards, Skwisgaar smiled against his neck, he tried to think exactly how long since he'd been touched in a way that didn't make him feel violated or filthy. He couldn't remember, this was different; this was like all the times before things went to shit.

He moaned a bit too loudly when the older man rubbed the pad of his thumb over the tip of his cock, he stroked faster. On his down stroke he gave a squeeze to the base of his cock before going back up. Toki didn't even try to keep control over himself; he bucked upwards fucking the other man's fist, he closed his eyes tightly and moaned loudly. It wasn't like this part of their home was sound proof, they were on the living room floor; he didn't care. If Skwisgaar cared then he would have told him to keep quiet, but instead he made sounds of his own, he whispered into the younger man's ear telling him how beautiful he was, how much he had missed him, missed touching him, and sharing a bed with him. It didn't take long for him to cum into the older man's hand. Skwisgaar kissed his cheek before pulling away, he removed his own shirt wiping his hand off on it then tossing it to the side. He sat with his back against the couch, Toki fastened his jeans then went over to the other man. He settled on his lap resting his head against his chest, he counted each time that his heart beat; Skwisgaar kissed the top of his head. He rubbed the younger man's back.


End file.
